Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Taking a dip

I'm sat here, staring at my Husband, looking at his beautiful face, his handsome smile, those blue eyes that make me melt. 
My Husband stares back, but never does he speak, never does he look at me.
He remains the same, frozen in time, a snapshot of a man that once was.
A beaming smile on his lips, taken the day we were married.

In the last couple of days, I have taken a bit of a dip, another low.
I miss him.
My mind is consumed with the need, want, urge to speak with him, to touch him, to have a cuddle, to hear him, smell him.
I am, once again, constantly on the brink of tears for the man I love and lost.
I need him.

The blog 'chapters' are becoming less frequent so, in my mind, I've been taking this as a sign that things are getting better for me.....I thought so.
Or, as my mind is now trying to tell me, is it because, after 14 months, not much has really changed in my head, I am still overcome inside with grief and loss.
I just hide/deal with it better than I did in the beginning.
I still have days where I just cry and cry and cry.
However, for fear of repeating the same stuff over and over again, I blog less because I have nothing new to say or contribute to the blog.

If I am honest, I am still finding it difficult to come to terms with his death, that he is not here anymore, that we are not together anymore, that the man I am still in love with no longer exists in the real life.
Previously, I commented on the "He's here" post and that still stands, it's a comfort for me, but it's a double edged sword.....I am gardening and I want him with me, guiding me, helping me, holding me....even arguing with me about a plant's location would be better than not having him at all!!!!

Our bed is one of my least favourite places in my entire life - where once there was much love, there is now me (and two dogs!).
I sleep in a bed with one side that is never used.
I wake up in the morning to remember that the unused side of the bed is because John is dead.
I wake in the night sometimes wondering where he is, then I remember why he's not next to me - I cry myself back to sleep.
It's probably the loneliest place in the house for me.
I don't like it at all.

How do you put yourself back together when 50% of your relationship has been taken away, and the future you both had planned, for the rest of your lives, has been erased, rubbed out, removed?

I guess it takes a long time, with baby steps, more good days and less bad, eventually.

You will never know how much I miss this!!!

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