Taking a dip

I'm sat here, staring at my Husband, looking at his beautiful face, his handsome smile, those blue eyes that make me melt. 

My Husband stares back, but never does he speak, never does he look at me.

He remains the same, frozen in time, a snapshot of a man that once was.

A beaming smile on his lips, taken the day we were married.

In the last couple of days, I have taken a bit of a dip, another low.

I miss him.

My mind is consumed with the need, want, urge to speak with him, to touch him, to have a cuddle, to hear him, smell him.

I am, once again, constantly on the brink of tears for the man I love and lost.

I need him.

The blog 'chapters' are becoming less frequent so, in my mind, I've been taking this as a sign that things are getting better for me.....I thought so.

Or, as my mind is now trying to tell me, is it because, after 14 months, not much has really changed in my head, I am still overcome inside with grief and loss.

I just hide/deal with it better than I did in the beginning.

I still have days where I just cry and cry and cry.

However, for fear of repeating the same stuff over and over again, I blog less because I have nothing new to say or contribute to the blog.

If I am honest, I am still finding it difficult to come to terms with his death, that he is not here anymore, that we are not together anymore, that the man I am still in love with no longer exists in the real life.

Previously, I commented on the "He's here" post and that still stands, it's a comfort for me, but it's a double edged sword.....I am gardening and I want him with me, guiding me, helping me, holding me....even arguing with me about a plant's location would be better than not having him at all!!!!

Our bed is one of my least favourite places in my entire life - where once there was much love, there is now me (and two dogs!).

I sleep in a bed with one side that is never used.

I wake up in the morning to remember that the unused side of the bed is because John is dead.

I wake in the night sometimes wondering where he is, then I remember why he's not next to me - I cry myself back to sleep.

It's probably the loneliest place in the house for me.

I don't like it at all.

How do you put yourself back together when 50% of your relationship has been taken away, and the future you both had planned, for the rest of your lives, has been erased, rubbed out, removed?

I guess it takes a long time, with baby steps, more good days and less bad, eventually.

You will never know how much I miss this!!!

He's Here...

I think it's time we had a little bit of positivity, don't you?

I do....it's been too long.

The dogs and I are now firmly installed in our new home, a lovely little cottage, quite literally in the middle of nowhere, blissful, peaceful, quiet, healing.

We've been in here for 3 nights and already it feels like home.

As I've mentioned before in previous posts, I'm not a believer in the "he's with me, he's watching over me" nonsense, I never have been.

But.......

This new home is very John, it's much too 'Him' to ignore. Looking around the place, I can 'see him' pottering in the garden and cooking up a storm in the little kitchen. I can imagine him lying in the sun with a large Pimm's and a book, being cuddled by his ever faithful hound, Millie. I can see him walking down to the local pub for an after work pint. Perhaps it's just the familiarity that I now have a garden and a kitchen that are homely and 'user friendly' and so I can imagine these things, who knows.

However, it's a good feeling, it's an excellent feeling, it feels really good and, although John has never, ever been to this house and garden, it feels to me as though he has been here, a footprint has been left.

It's a strange but reassuring feeling.

And.....something I thought I would never, ever say in my entire life.....it feels like he's "here with me".

Moving On.....

I am in the throes of moving house again.

Another new home to settle into.

Don't they say that moving house is one of the top 5 stressful things you can do?

Yup, feels like it too.

My head is all over the place, one minute happy, the next sad....but ultimately I am excited, it's a cute little place and perfect for me and the pups.

I know not why but I am currently starting each morning with a good cry.

I don't know where it's coming from or why my body feels like it should be doing it, but it is, and I am.

It's been a few days now.

Perhaps it's the fabled house moving stress, who knows.

John is never, ever far from my thoughts.

In fact he's at the forefront of them.

The new garden is lovely and he would love it, it would become a tropical oasis in a matter of days (which is what I am going to do.....I will channel my Hubby and create something beautiful!).

I miss him.

I can't shake the aching sense of missing him so much.

I feel so far away from him....two new homes without him in them.

Moving again has meant coming across things that have been safely put away in a cupboard, things of John's, things of ours, things from our life together, things that just make me sob with grief.

Anyway, this is a 'throw away' chapter, nothing of much substance, I just thought I'd share.

I should be packing more boxes!!