Hello Cornwall, this is London calling......

Today I resigned.

I am done.
I have had enough.
I am leaving my job.
I am leaving the flat.
I am leaving London.


This city has had more than a pound of my flesh over the last 9 and a half years and I am not willing to give it an ounce more, not a single ounce, so this morning, I handed in my notice.

It.
Felt.
Good.

It is, by far, the best decision I have made on my own since John's death (and yes, he WOULD approve!).

'Working'...

I have never been a fan or loved London like John did.
I came here from Brighton for one reason and one reason only - to be with John, my love, my life, my everything.
Without John, London holds nothing for me.
Dont' get me wrong, I have great friends here, I happen to think I have the BEST friends anyone could want, BUT, they won't keep me here, nothing and no-one will, unless John comes home, only then will I stay.
Without John I find London horrid.
Unbearable.
Unfriendly.
Unforgiving.
Un-me!

Before France 'got in the way', our big dream was to go and live in Cornwall.
We visited 2 or 3 times a year, every year for 9 years.
I was 80% for France, John was 110%.
We had our disagreements over it but to be honest, if it meant following him to Hell I would have done it, just to be with him, to be by his side.
Little did I know I'd be experiencing Hell without him!!!

Happy times in France

So..........in January 2013 I am going to live 'the original dream' and I am going to move to a lovely little 2 bedroom cottage by the sea in deepest, darkest, gorgeous-est Cornwall.
Just me, Maximillian and Millie in Marazion.
We will have quality of life.
We will have beaches to walk on.
We will have the God Children only three doors away.
We will have my little niece and my Sister only 10 miles away.
We will have St Michael's Mount on our doorstep.
We will have Land's End only 10 miles away.
And all my friends and family are VERY welcome to come and stay....in fact I am banking on a steady stream of visitors!

My new home (Landlady's dog!)

I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to going to the West Country.
I want to be there NOW!
Leaving here is going to be extremely emotional but it is most definitely the right decision.
It's not this flat that's special, it is purely a shell, it's what's in it and the wonderful memories I have.
And I will be taking all of them with me.

Cornwall - HERE I COME!

Sing it Beth.....sing it LOUD!

5 Months

6 months ago on this very day, John fell ill.

5 months ago, on this very day, John died.

The loss is indescribable, not just for me but for his Sons, his family, our friends, his colleagues, everyone who came into contact with him.

For me, it has not got any easier to deal with or to accept.

I am still waiting for him to come home and for this to be a fucking awful, truly AWFUL nightmare.

Today, on this very day, I suffered the 'loss' of another wonderful Welsh man in my life.

Today, 5 months after I lost my Husband, I 'lost' my Boss.

He is leaving for pastures new at the end of the month and I am now on leave until November, so when I return to the office he will no longer be there.

Today, like a girl, I sobbed.

He has been a true rock, support and confidante during John's illness and since John's death. 

He has been AMAZING and INCREDIBLE and now he has gone.

I am left feeling another loss in my life.

I am sad.

Again.

I am crying.

Again.

2012 has been a fucker of a year.......and, to be honest, I am sick to the back teeth of all the fuckery and so I am going to do something about it.

I am exhausted.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Mentally.

I am done.

As Yoda would say......"This space you should watch"....

I will leave you with Lana.....this is beautiful.....if you can, watch the entire 10 minutes.....

"It takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it, to know what true freedom is"

Don't leave me now

Don't say goodbye

Don't turn around

Leave me high and dry

Ugh!

At this moment in time, as of now, today, my mind is completely and utterly full.

There is no more room for thought or word or deed.

It's jam-packed to the rafters.

I am finding it impossible to not think.

It hurts.

It stresses me.

Makes me feel 'twitchy' to the point of becoming angry or temperamental.

You see, my problem is that there is just too much going on and too much to worry about in my life right now.

The majority I simply cannot talk about because it's either personal, work related or I just haven't made up my mind about whatever it is I can't make my mind up about......make sense? Thought not!

My heart and head are very heavy at the moment.

Unbearably heavy.

There's an anvil in my chest where my heart used to be and it's weighing me down.

I really don't know how much more I can deal with.

There's certainly no more that I can 'pull out of the bag'.

It's gone.

I'm done.

I'm teary again.

Crying at the moment unexpected times.

Today I cried because a bag of vegetables in the fridge had gone off!!!

I'm also going through another form of 'loss' which is getting me down and making me unhappy - more of this in future chapters.....

My moods are up and down like the proverbial yo-yo....one minute über happy, the next über sad.

And there's my man, my love, my Husband, John.

I miss him so very much.

I talk to him more than I have done, asking questions, seeking answers, guidance and reassurance for choices I might/will want to make but am too scared to do on my own.

I can't seem to make a decision unless there is some kind of 'sign from beyond the grave'.

There haven't been any, I can assure you, so I make decisions and hope for the best, wondering if the decision I have made is the right one and would John have made the opposite decision!

I really want him to 'contact' me....I really, REALLY want him to.

I sit on the sofa, talking to the ceiling, asking John to give me a sign that he's there.

There is never a sign.

Ever.

Why would there be?!

Again, I'm back to the feeling that I'm nothing but a 'bad luck charm'.
I'm sad.
I'm very sad.

Leona knows how I feel....

Chicken Envy

Can I be envious of Hens???
Why, yes I bloody well can, especially when they're living in deepest, darkest, West-est Cornwall!!!!

Harriet, Ruby, Nigella and the new chicks have finally made it to Cornwall and their new life with the God Children.

Around 5 years ago John decided that we would have hens.

And hens we got!

The original flock consisted of Harriet, Lottie, Cybil, Margot and Ruby.

Lottie died.

Cybil and Margot went to Bedfordshire to live as they were WAY too loud!

We replaced them with Tallulah and Nigella.

Sadly, Tallulah died in the last couple of months.

Apparently, the new chicks include 'Ginger' and 'Lily-Rose'......I await, with anticipation, the name of the last chick *eek*

John had a blog, Hens In The City which he updated with the goings on of the Girls in our South East London garden (http://hensinthecity.blogspot.co.uk).

Obviously, that blog has stopped but the Hens go on and they now begin their new and better life in Cornwall.

So....Harriet, Ruby, Nigella, Ginger, Lily-Rose and 'No Name' have a wonderful new life and, to be honest, I couldn't be more pleased for the God Children or more envious of the hens!

Listen to my INCREDIBLE Husband.....

.....that's all you have to do....

LISTEN!