Monday, 20 August 2012

He Was Here

Was, Did, When, Used to........words I now use more and more frequently when I think or talk about John.......

WHEN John WAS alive we USED TO......we DID this and we DID that......

In the Beginning.....

Just over 3 months without him and I find John and the time I had with him turning into some sort of weird dream. 
Did the things we do actually get did, are they real or just my imagination, did WE happen? 
I am starting to feel 'single' and I do not like it!
My memories don't feel like memories, perhaps because they fill me more with sorrow than they do happiness.....I'm not quite there yet on that one. 
It feels like he has been gone for so much longer and yet, at the same time, I feel like he's only just left me, left us.

I really don't like talking about John in the past tense, it fills me with sadness (could I fit anymore in?!). 
It confirms with every word, with every breath, that he isn't here anymore, that he has gone, that he really is not here. 
Something that, when he was alive but poorly, I found unbearable to think about. 
Now he has gone and I'm still going (something that makes me feel so guilty). 
I'm not finding it unbearable but I find it uncomfortable and I struggle each day to think of him and us and the life we had in the past tense. 
I've put his portrait up in the lounge and I find it extraordinary that before I did that I didn't really 'feel' him in the flat. 

Now he's in the lounge and it's like we are together in the flat again. 
I 'feel' him here, I find myself talking to him now, I find myself talking to the dogs about him, something I never did before because when I said the words 'Dad' or 'Daddy' Millie would get ├╝ber excited and run around frantically trying to find John.
She doesn't do that anymore......which makes me sad.....she's forgotten.

This chapter isn't flowing.
It feels like I am rambling.
Maybe I am.
My head is messed up.
I'm all over the place.
I just can't think straight (something I've never done - HAHA!).

Anyway, I have chosen this Beyonce track because John WAS here, he left his mark, he most definitely achieved in his much too short but marvellous life! 
It also makes me sob like a girl...something I find I am bloody good at!!!

P.S. George Michael is still on my 'hit list'!!!

1 comment:

  1. I love the very early Pic of you and John, although I knew him many years earlier, (long hair ) he doesn't look any different. Hold on to him,xx