Never, not once in my 42 years on this planet did I ever think that I would one day be stood in a cemetery, surrounded by gravestones, discussing my dead Husband and sobbing my heart out.
Last night I did just that!
As I have mentioned before, we have always walked the dogs in the cemetery and recreation ground at the end of our road. It's a wonderful green space, it's peaceful and there's tons of wildlife, particularly birds.
You are also treated to good views of London.
When walking the dogs you get to meet the same people, normally at around the same time.
I have become friendly with a really nice lady who walks her German Shepherd of an evening.
She also tends the grave of her little girl who died at the tender age of 2.
Last night we bumped into each other at her daughter's graveside.
She asked how I was, was I coping without John, was I alright?
At this point I just burst into tears.
She did the same.
We shared a moment.
We discussed our lost loved ones.
We compared 'notes'.
I left her at her daughter's grave and cried all the way home.
I went home and spent the evening crying.
I went to bed and cried.
I woke up this morning feeling unhappy.
I did not want to go to work, to face the day, to be near anyone.
The last thing I wanted to do was face people.
This morning, as I do every morning, I left the radio on for the dogs.
As I walked out of the door, it was playing one of mine and John's records......
I can assure you that cycling and crying do not mix!
I'm really not sure that I am coping as well as I possibly should be......
When I am away from London I am 'ok'.
When I am here, in our home, in London, I struggle to hold it together.
There is still so much to overcome.
I don't know that I am strong enough for all of this.
I have returned from a wonderful weekend in Cornwall and have been immediately wrapped up in Death's Cloak.
I am suffocating in it.
I can't see the Life I have for the Death I have witnessed.
In other news, is a litre of vodka a week too much?
Answers on a postcard!