THE Tribute

The lovely and ever so wonderful Dr. Lesley Dickie, very good friend and Executive Director of EAZA (European Association of Zoos and Aquaria) has written this moving tribute for John (click the link below and it's on pages 4 & 5).

John & Lesley on our wedding day (being naughty!!!)

In my opinion, Lesley's tribute is the ultimate in tributes that I have seen for John.

Lesley has captured him absolutely perfectly.

The very essence of the man he was is encapsulated in this tribute.

It is as perfect as my incredible Husband was and will always be.

Lesley - I have cried and cried and cried while reading and re-reading this tribute.

Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for most definitely 'doing John justice'!!!

http://www.eaza.net/News/EAZA_Magazine/EAZA%20NEWS%20Magazine/ZA79.pdf

A 'Grave' Situation

Never, not once in my 42 years on this planet did I ever think that I would one day be stood in a cemetery, surrounded by gravestones, discussing my dead Husband and sobbing my heart out.

Last night I did just that!

As I have mentioned before, we have always walked the dogs in the cemetery and recreation ground at the end of our road. It's a wonderful green space, it's peaceful and there's tons of wildlife, particularly birds.

You are also treated to good views of London.

When walking the dogs you get to meet the same people, normally at around the same time.

I have become friendly with a really nice lady who walks her German Shepherd of an evening.

She also tends the grave of her little girl who died at the tender age of 2.

Last night we bumped into each other at her daughter's graveside. 

She asked how I was, was I coping without John, was I alright?

At this point I just burst into tears.

She did the same.

We shared a moment.

We discussed our lost loved ones.

We cried.

We compared 'notes'.

I left her at her daughter's grave and cried all the way home.

I went home and spent the evening crying.

I went to bed and cried.

I woke up this morning feeling unhappy.

I did not want to go to work, to face the day, to be near anyone.

The last thing I wanted to do was face people.

This morning, as I do every morning, I left the radio on for the dogs.

As I walked out of the door, it was playing one of mine and John's records......

I can assure you that cycling and crying do not mix!

I'm really not sure that I am coping as well as I possibly should be......

When I am away from London I am 'ok'.

When I am here, in our home, in London, I struggle to hold it together.

There is still so much to overcome.

I don't know that I am strong enough for all of this.

I have returned from a wonderful weekend in Cornwall and have been immediately wrapped up in Death's Cloak.

I am suffocating in it.

Again.

I can't see the Life I have for the Death I have witnessed.

In other news, is a litre of vodka a week too much?

Answers on a postcard!

Westward Ho (Mo) !

Another 'emotional brick wall' has been broken down.

On Thursday morning me and the pups made our way to Cornwall.  

We stopped off at "Grandma's" house in Somerset for a cuppa and a sarnie and then, with Grandma, we continued our journey westwards.

We arrived in Helston some 3 hours later at my sister and brother in law's house and this is where we dropped Grandma off and when I met my new niece, Ellie......she be a little beauty!

(Notice her grin for the camera.......!!!)

I then continued my journey even further westwards to the God Children.

I'd had a bit of a cry in the car prior to arriving at Mum's house.

Getting ever closer to Marazion, the more emotional I became.

However, they now live in a different house in the village and, almost mercifully, there is no emotional attachment to their new home. 

But there is a HUGE emotional attachment to Cornwall!!!!

The last time we were here was for Easter, just before John flew to Germany and fell ill.

We arrived and I was swept up in tons of god children love and excitement....it felt good to finally be there.

On Friday, the FGC's (Fairy God Children) Mum was working so I was in charge of baby sitting duties. 

As a treat and for some fun and the burning off of energy (of which they have more than enough!!!) we went to Paradise Park in Hayle so that we could 'enjoy' the Jungle Barn - think of a children's assault course with slides and swings, ball pits and such and that's basically it! 

At first there was some trepidation from yours truly, however the FGCs eventually won me over and I was shooting down slides with them!

Paradise Park is more well known for the fact that it is a Bird Gardens.......stupidly, not something that clicked with me until we arrived!!!! 

John was a Curator of Birds at London Zoo, there are birds all over our home (I am also an ex bird zoo keeper). 

Walking around the gardens I found myself fighting the urge to do one of two things.....run or sob. 

I could do neither, I had my wonderful FGCs with me and we were out to have FUN and FUN was what we were going to have and FUN is exactly what we had!

aka "HELL"

Saturday morning was not so much 'fun', I just couldn't hold it together very well and I found myself crying in the car while talking to the FGC's Mum. 

I could feel John bubbling under the surface.

I was feeling emotional about being in Cornwall without him.

Having fun without him.

Enjoying myself without him.

Just being without him.

FGC Mum to the rescue (there's a reason John loved her so much, she's WONDERFUL!!!) and it was decided that we would go surfing in the afternoon......at the time perhaps I didn't think of this as a great idea, however how wrong can one man be, it was the PERFECT antidote to my mood......!

We had a GREAT time, it felt good to be in the sea, to wash away the mood, to get rid of some of that emotional energy I was storing up......it was the best afternoon with my truly amazing FGCs!

The entire weekend, apart from a couple of wobbles, was brilliant and for the most part, I smiled which is something I don't do much in London.

I am very glad I went to see the FGCs and I am looking forward to going back as soon as I possibly can.

And so on Sunday I came home.....

I have been on the edge of tears most of the time.

I came home to post regarding John's estate which I would rather not have to deal with.

I miss John so very much.

I want to show him the pictures of Cornwall that we took.

I want him to see how much Jemima and Ferdi have grown!

I want him to see the new house in Cornwall.

I want to tell him that I feel so lonely here without him.

I need to ask him questions about the garden.

I want to tell him how much I hate Sainsburys.

I want him to know that our good friends Kay and Jim got engaged yesterday (finally!!!!!).

I want him.

I have been listening to a lot of Depeche Mode recently so I will leave you with this track which now makes me think of John (it never did before!).

He Was Here

Was, Did, When, Used to........words I now use more and more frequently when I think or talk about John.......

WHEN John WAS alive we USED TO......we DID this and we DID that......

In the Beginning.....

Just over 3 months without him and I find John and the time I had with him turning into some sort of weird dream. 

Did the things we do actually get did, are they real or just my imagination, did WE happen? 

I am starting to feel 'single' and I do not like it!

My memories don't feel like memories, perhaps because they fill me more with sorrow than they do happiness.....I'm not quite there yet on that one. 

It feels like he has been gone for so much longer and yet, at the same time, I feel like he's only just left me, left us.

I really don't like talking about John in the past tense, it fills me with sadness (could I fit anymore in?!). 

It confirms with every word, with every breath, that he isn't here anymore, that he has gone, that he really is not here. 

Something that, when he was alive but poorly, I found unbearable to think about. 

Now he has gone and I'm still going (something that makes me feel so guilty). 

I'm not finding it unbearable but I find it uncomfortable and I struggle each day to think of him and us and the life we had in the past tense. 

I've put his portrait up in the lounge and I find it extraordinary that before I did that I didn't really 'feel' him in the flat. 

Now he's in the lounge and it's like we are together in the flat again. 

I 'feel' him here, I find myself talking to him now, I find myself talking to the dogs about him, something I never did before because when I said the words 'Dad' or 'Daddy' Millie would get über excited and run around frantically trying to find John.

She doesn't do that anymore......which makes me sad.....she's forgotten.

This chapter isn't flowing.

It feels like I am rambling.

Maybe I am.

My head is messed up.

I'm all over the place.

I just can't think straight (something I've never done - HAHA!).

Anyway, I have chosen this Beyonce track because John WAS here, he left his mark, he most definitely achieved in his much too short but marvellous life! 

It also makes me sob like a girl...something I find I am bloody good at!!!

P.S. George Michael is still on my 'hit list'!!!

3 Months

I find myself 'hating' George Michael at the moment.

I want him to shut his fake-tanned face!

There he is, after a near death experience, singing to the world about how he's still here, still alive, he has so much to do that he hasn't yet done.

Please George, I say this with love, fuck off!

As of today, John has been dead for 3 months, a quarter of a year.

John fell ill 4 months ago today, a third of a year.

Each and every day I say to myself that he shouldn't have gone yet, he had so much to do, so many plans left unrealised.

I had so much more love to give him, it still pours out of me....along with the tears!

And here we have poor old George bleating on about how fucking lucky he is to be alive.

I want to throttle him!!!!

From a sensible perspective, I know it's not George's fault that my Hubby died and I know that George doesn't even know I or John exist so my 'hatred' of him is, I know, misplaced. 

But, I cannot help it.

As soon as I hear the new record I want to scream at him to stop, tell him to shut up, tell him to stop reminding me of how fucking lucky he is because it only reminds me of how fucking unlucky John was that he died, of how fucking unlucky we are to not have him!!!!!!

I am so jealous of George for being alive. 

Seriously, even seeing his picture activates the green monster inside and I am filled with rage and anguish that George is alive and John is not (is it me or do I sound like a gay Hulk?!)...

In the last 3 months I have sorted out so much of John's and yet there is still so much of him here. 

I still cannot bring myself to empty his pill drawer, that one is just too painful to consider at the moment. 

Although I am no clinician, I am of the opinion that because of the amounts he took on a daily basis, they contributed to the condition that ultimately killed him. 

The chest of drawers is like 'the murderer in the room', something I cannot even acknowledge.....yet.

So.....I will leave you with George's most recent offering......(which, bizarrely, I actually like!).

(un)Happy Anniversary

Today is our 3rd anniversary as Civil Partners. 

Three years ago today we were down Lewisham Registry Office being legally attached.

This is not the anniversary I had planned!

Three years tomorrow we had our fantastic Humanist Celebration at Chestnut Lodge in Cobham, home of our wonderful friend, Raymond, who also died earlier this year. 
Our very special friends and family were there and it was THE best day of my entire life.

John will have been dead for three months on Thursday (THE worst day of my entire life).

John fell ill four months on Thursday.

This week is a fucker!

The day/date doesn't really matter anymore, not in the grand scheme of things.

Does it matter that just about everything that happened relating to John's illness/death happened on a Thursday? 

Not really.....it doesn't change the fact that he died. 

That we are without him. 

That he has gone.

As I've said before, it felt like we were just getting started, warming up for the long haul.

We weren't supposed to finish yet.

Not like this.

Not now.

Someone has got this horribly wrong!

Photographs, memories, possessions - these are all I have now to remind me of my Husband.

I can't kiss them.

I can't cuddle them.

I can't love them.
I know I was the luckiest man alive to have almost 10 years with John.....but that luck died with him.
Now I just grieve every day.
I find myself praying, begging, pleading for this to be a dreadful mistake, a horrible nightmare.

As HUGE a cliche as it is, the W. H. Auden poem read out in Four Weddings and a Funeral says it all really:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message, "He Is Dead"

Put crepe bows around the white necks of public doves

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves

He was my North, my South, my East, my West

My working week and my Sunday rest

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song

I thought that it would last forever, I was wrong

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods

For nothing now can ever come to any good

John's Clothes

Tonight, my wonderful friend Heather and I emptied John's wardrobe and cupboards.....

I'm off to bed....

To cuddle my Husband's jumper
To smell him
To think of him
To cry for him
To long for him
To love him

Never in my entire life have I felt so weak......

Sing it Melanie......

The Disappearance......

So.......did I achieve anything during my week away?

Yes, I think I did.....

In fact I'm sure I did. 

I know I did.

I am positive I did.

Of course, during the course of every single day I thought of John, always have done and always will. 

He was there each and every time I saw a bird, any bird, there he was.....right beside me.

I found myself speaking to him, telling him what I was seeing, seeking guidance if I wasn't sure of the species.....

Oh yes, John was definitely there.

From the day John died, actually from the day John fell ill, I have cried every day. There wasn't a day that I didn't shed a tear for him, about him, because of him. While I was away I only cried a couple of days, particularly when I saw an exciting bird (Hummingbirds!!!!) and I desperately wanted him to be there, to see it/them, to experience it with me.....it was these moments, when I had to remind myself that I was alone, that he was dead and gone, that I cried. 

And I cried......I did not hold back the crying like in England. 

This was proper, no holds barred, flood gates opening sobbing.....

Oh how I cried for him....and how I have cried since returning to the UK, to this life, to this flat.

Before I went away, I felt like a wound that wouldn't heal, constantly festering, hurting, sore and painful.

I feel a little 'better'.

Oh believe me, I am by no means mended, healed or no longer in pain.....I don't think that will ever end....it will dull but it will never leave me - I don't want it to.

But....time away, not surrounded by our life, helped me to sort, file and organise.

I have made decisions that I WILL put into action.

John's clothes will be sorted and then either disposed of or donated to charity....and I will be doing this sooner rather than later, however I will require a willing female volunteer to assist me - I don't know why it needs to be a woman, it just does. Maybe I don't want another man touching John's clothes....I dunno....

What is the point of keeping a dead man's clothes in our wardrobe?!?!?!?! 
They're only collecting dust and, in my mind, it achieves nothing and doesn't help me in my grief, they just remind me he's dead.....and I have more than enough reminders thank you very much!!!!

I am going to de-clutter our home. 

I am not and never will be a hoarder. 

John was, he kept everything (which annoyed the pants off me!).

I am going to have a 'life laundry moment' and I am going to get rid of all non essential 'stuff', have a clear out and make the flat less 'fussy', more minimal. 

I am going to change the flat internally too. 
Perhaps move or change some furniture and buy new things that make it more 'me' and less us.

I have some ideas and I will see how they look. 

If they're not right I will not do it but I am going to give it a go.

There will also be an element of 'tightening my belt'.....I don't want to leave where I live, I like it and we lived here together for nearly 9 wonderful years. 

However it is expensive and I will struggle but I think the struggle will be worth it in the long run. 

Money is and will always be a worry but money isn't everything and is not as important as being happy and content, is it?!
Plus, I lost my Husband, I don't want to lose my home too!!!

I'm almost excited about this 'new life', the chance to start again, a fresh start but at the same time moving on with John.

Do not fear, it is not and never will be my intention to 'erase' John.....why would I want to remove the Love of my Life??? 

Friends and family know that I will never, ever, ever consider not having John in my life in some form. 

He is there in my life and in my heart FOREVER as are his family.....they are MY family too.

He will always be my Husband...no one can ever take that away from me, ever!

John will always be there in our home somewhere, he will just be less obvious to the outside observer.....to me he will ALWAYS be there.

I am typing this on the plane returning to London and as much as I am looking forward to coming home, having hugs and cuddles with the 'Kids' (I have really missed those little dawgs!!!), seeing how much the garden has grown, I am also dreading it. 

I don't want to go home. 

I don't want to face my old life again.

I want my new life to kick in and for everything to be how I want it....now.

Yes, I am being impatient and probably rather unrealistic because I know me and I know that I will have emotional moments, times when all I will do is cry and be unable to face the things that I have mentioned above.

Contradiction? Me? Of course!!! 

I am John McKenna....it's how I roll, you know that!!!!

There's also my job.

Before John died I loved my job, I enjoyed it immensely. 

I always thought myself very lucky to work where I do and to PA for such a wonderful CEO.

However, since John's death, working in a hospital has made my working life crap. 
I no longer love my job and I no longer have any motivation to do it. 

John spent weeks in a critical care unit. 

My office is directly underneath our critical care unit and, although I don't see it every day, I am reminded of it and all I think of is "John died in one of those".

So........what to do???? 

As far as I see it I have two choices......

1. Suck it up and get on with it. I have a good job, it pays well, I know it inside out and I work for a wonderful, understanding Boss who genuinely cares about me and my well being.

Yes, I have daily reminders of John's death but he didn't die there, in my hospital, above my office, did he?! And, I get daily reminders everywhere not just at work!

2. I leave...and find something else....and start again....

In my heart I have already made the choice.

I am going to remain in my current job and I am going to bloody well try to get on with it. 

Why I put myself through the crap I do is beyond me sometimes. 

I know there are stages of grief and everyone on this planet deals with it differently, it's not the same for any two people. 

I also know that some of the things I have been putting myself through I really don't need to and shouldn't be doing so. 

SO WHY AM I?!?!?!?!

This time away has really helped me mentally. 

It has crystallised some of my undecided thoughts, ideas and decisions and it has helped me to remove some things that I know were not completely necessary or indeed right for my future.

It has helped me to sort my mind and it has given me direction.

Yes, I know I may and probably will falter along the way (remember those peaks and troughs!!!!) and there are tough times ahead,  but I know that ultimately what I am doing is right. 

I am not going to say "It's what John would have wanted" because none of this is what John would have wanted. 

He would not have chosen to die and it's not something I will ever say. 

That particular phrase really fucks me off quite frankly!

And then there's Men.......

I am 42, I am still relatively young. 

I am indeed a grieving Husband but I am most certainly alive and I have needs, requirements and don't we all need to be held, hugged and appreciated now and again?! 

Before you all start screaming at me, I am not saying that I am on the prowl for Hubby No.2.... no, no, no.....you can all sit down again, that is not what I am saying. 

What I am saying is that as and when the opportunity arises, I will damn well grab it by the horns (no pun intended!) and I will go with it. 

John is dead, I am not and I will not live my life like some celibate hermit.....I won't, so don't expect me to because it isn't going to happen.

I am not ready for a full on relationship, how can I be when I am still in love with John? But I will enjoy myself.

There is a wonderful man in Colorado called Craig.....we got to know each other, we spent some time together, we share similarity in our lives, we will be keeping in touch and we will be seeing each other again in the near-ish future if I have anything to do with it. I think he would like London as much as I loved Colorado.

If anyone thinks that this is ' too soon', it's negative to John's memory, etc, etc....all I say to that is Sod Off!!!! 
I'm not rushing into a relationship!!!

As I said above, grief is different for each and every person on this planet and everyone deals with it differently, everyone. 

Some people have said that they know what I am going through and that they know how I feel......No they don't, no one does! 

People can recognise similarity, they cannot and will never, ever know how I feel inside,  they never will. 

People can appreciate the similarity of grief but don't for one minute think that they know my mind, they don't.....it's mine and mine alone and the nearest they will get to understanding how I feel is by reading this blog! 


*rant over*

I think that just about covers it!

Colorado is a wonderful, beautiful state, the mountains are stunning, the people are friendly (Have a nice day!!!) and I fell in love with it. 

I am very much looking forward to returning......because I am going to!

All in all, my time away was AWESOME!


I will leave you with a track by Broken Bells....the album is my 'Colorado album' and was on daily repeat.....enjoy (and download it!!)...

P.S. That was one the worst kept secrets in the history of keeping secrets!!!!! Youngest son James was the first to tell me where I was!!!!!