It's Good To Talk

John died almost 19 months ago.

In that time many lovely friends and family members have advised me that I should speak to someone, a neutral party, bereavement counselling if you will.

I have constantly shunned it, refused to do it. 
It felt alien to me to talk to a complete stranger about my Grief, my Loss, my Bereavement.

After yesterday's blog video, I decided that something has got to give, I have to speak to someone. 
There are things in my head I cannot accept, deal with or understand and, hopefully, talking to a professional will help me get some sort of resolution or at least teach me how to deal with them.

So, today, I called Cruse Beareavement Care and they will be coming to see me in the near future, to listen to me, to guide me, to watch me sob and sob and sob probably!

They also run 'Friendship Groups' where you can go and meet others who have lost their partner - that seems a bit morbid to me but at least I can talk to neutral people who have gone through the same thing.

Since making the phone call to Cruse this morning , I have done nothing but cry......cry and cry and cry.

I am incredibly scared.

Petrified.

Doing this means that I am going to have to face EVERYTHING.....I will have to deal with all of it, in its entirety.

I will have to accept that John is dead.

I don't want to.

I DON'T.

I DON'T.

I DON'T.