Happy Birthday to Me.....

I turned 44 yesterday.

Another birthday comes and goes without John here with me.

I started the day with the smell of him all over my bed sheets. 

The night before was the work Christmas Meal and I wore one of John's aftershaves. 

I woke up and immediately I could smell him, it was glorious and heart stopping and sad and happy and wonderful and gut wrenching all at the same time.

On the morning dog walk, prior to going to work, I had a damn good cry. 

I find our Birthdays, Christmas and our Anniversary the worst. 

John always found a reason to celebrate, indeed LIFE was for celebrating and this he did every single day of his much too short life, normally with a G&T or a dry white wine in his hand, but he celebrated!

I will always, always remember my 40th birthday more than any other - John was working in Nepal. 

So, being John, he bought me a ticket to Kathmandu to join him for a couple of weeks of adventures in Nepal, from tropical jungle to the Himalayas. 

It was fucking incredible....the most amazing adventure in a foreign country I have EVER had, EVER!
I remain, to this day, completely and utterly in love with Nepal.....a very special place indeed.

The rest of my birthday passed without much in the way of emotion, in fact, looking back on yesterday I think I was pretty 'chipper', apart from suffering with sciatica which I have had for a month now!

Yesterday was my second birthday without John and I have to admit, it did feel 'easier', still emotionally trying, especially in the morning, and he was in my mind and thoughts all day, but it felt 'ok'.

For the record, being 44, almost mid 40s and single and alone feels dreadful, it really does.
I hate it. 
I shouldn't be in this situation, John shouldn't be dead. 
We should be together, we should be happy, we should be living our wonderful, marvellous, full of love adventure, which is exactly what our marriage was, an adventure built on the foundations of true love.

.....and John made it the best adventure I've ever had.