2013.....done.

That's almost it folks, an entire year has just about come and gone.

I have been without John for a full January to December.

From 1st January 2014 I can no longer say or think that John died last year, it will be 'John died in 2012'.

4 and a half months to go and John will have been dead for 2 years.....TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!

In that time I have gone through so many emotions and feelings.

I have cried almost every single day.

I have missed him every day.

I have thought about him every day.

I have wanted him every day.

I have looked for him every day.

I have waited for him every day.

In the (almost) 12 months that I have been living in Cornwall, a couple of men have tried to enter my world.

I have, at first, let them cross the threshold.

But, after a very short while, I have banished them to the boundaries.

Why???

Simply because they're not John (which I am already aware is not very healthy!).

I look for John everywhere, in everything, in everyone.

I look for, search for, hope for a thread of John, something that 'feels' like John, but not once, not ever, not with anyone have I felt it.

How can I expect to move on when I keep holding on for him, when I keep looking for him, when I keep searching, hoping, needing, wanting?

Today, Monday 30th December 2013, I have cried most of the day.

I cried when I got up, walked the dogs, made a cup of tea and I sobbed like a girl when I took down the Christmas decorations.

I haven't stopped crying.

Today is not a good day.

Today is a fucking shit day.

Today I will cry and cry and cry.

Happy New Year.