The Doldrums

dol-drums (dohl-druh mz)

noun (used with a plural verb)

1. a dull, listless, depressed mood; low spirits

This, unfortunately, is how I am feeling, and pretty much how I have been feeling for some time. 

Before I go on, I am very much aware that I have a lot of positive goodness in my life......my job, my new home and garden, the dogs, my wonderful supportive friends and family, just being in Cornwall, etc, etc.

None of this makes me feel happy for very long though.

I haven't been truly, honestly happy since early April 2012 when John was still alive and we were together.

I have a day at work which I enjoy - I go home to the doldrums.

I have the beginnings of a social life - I go home to the doldrums.

My sister, brother in law and niece visited today - as soon as they left, I'm back in the doldrums.

And I'm tired, tired of everything and I mean everything.

2012 was non stop, not particularly positive, from the death of John to preparing to move to Cornwall.

I moved to Marazion and I knew that in 6 months I would have to move again, so I didn't really relax properly.

And now, here we are, my 3rd home in 14 months and I am really, really tired.

I don't sleep very well.

I haven't slept well for months and months and months.

Bed is such a depressing, lonely, unhappy place.

I can't lie in as I have the dogs and their bowels to think about.

I feel physically, mentally and emotionally knackered!

In the beginning it was fucking awful, however my life has most definitely improved since we left London and started again in Cornwall, but, although Life has improved, it seems that in reality, I have not.

I've returned to crying at some point or other nearly every day.

I miss John so much, I wish I could quantify it, but suffice to say that it simply feels like I'm constantly searching, constantly yearning, constantly needing and constantly wanting, but he's nowhere to be found.

I don't suppose I'm coping with this very well at all really.

When I'm alone I am once again overcome with grief and loss.

I'm afraid I see no way of making me feel better.