I'm still low.
I go to work not feeling completely happy.
I come home and feel depressed.
I'm not really properly enjoying anything.
I go to work, I do the job, I play with/hug a bird or two, I come home.
I realise and appreciate how lucky I am but I can't shake this fuckery.
I walk the dogs while constantly thinking about John, thinking about us, thinking about our life, thinking about the past, fantasising about having it all back and everything being right and happy and wonderful again.
But it can't be and it won't be.
I went to Tesco this morning, my traditional location for a good cry.
I didn't let myself down.
There I was in the wine aisle, trying my fucking hardest to concentrate on the bottles and not on the fact that, as soon I took a deep breath, I knew I was going to sob.
And I did.
This Thursday (15th August) is our wedding anniversary.
Had he lived, John and I would have been married for 4 years.
This November we would have been together 11 years.
I've been posting pictures of him on the Good Grief Facebook page (click here) leading up to Thursday.
I think it's probably made me even unhappier.
But I won't stop.
Why would I?
November 2002
As my life drifts into a sense of normality and routine, so I begin to drift into yet another unhappy place.
In the last 15 months (16 since he fell ill), I have been 'happy' extremely rarely.
Most of the time I am down, unhappy, sad, depressed, *insert negative word/words here*.
It's wearing.
It gives me headaches more often than not.
I'm so tired of it all.
Tired of the moodswings.
Tired of the anger.
Tired of taking it out on the dogs.
Tired of the crying.
Tired of the sadness.
Tired of the grief.
Tired of missing him.
Tired of wanting him.
Tired of looking at photographs while crying and wishing he wasn't dead.
Tired of going to bed at night and lying there feeling unhappy and sad because one side of the bed is empty.
Tired of waking in the middle of the night and crying myself back to sleep.
Tired of waking up in the morning and remembering.
Tired of wanting to be surrounded by people.
Tired of wanting to be on my own.
Tired of everything.....fucking EVERYTHING!!!!
Hi John, I wish I could do something to help your pain, you sound really low at the moment. It's still early days for you. It's nearly 3 years now since I've been widowed. Things are a lot better. I remember the second year though - I gave myself a year to be miserable, and expected to be 'over it' by the second year. Although it wasn't as bad as the first year, I found myself thinking through all the anniversaries (birthdays etc) 'I've already done this, why am I having to do it again'. And then the reality hits - this is forever. But it does get better, and time does ease the pain - hang on in there John, you will come to a time when you start to feel better. xx
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