Crushed

Today I was doing a bit of 'housekeeping' on my home computer, going through documents, deleting crap photographs I had taken, sorting my bookmarks, as you do.

I was busy organising and arranging and deleting when, without realising what I had done, the following web page appeared before my eyes - http://wolfieandrentongetwed.blogspot.co.uk

My first reaction was a sharp intake of breath, followed by disbelief, followed by a 'morbid fascination' to read the entire thing, followed by tears.

My lovely Hubby started the 'wedding blog'...it was a piece of fun, something to detract from the stress of organising the big day, to share it with our friends and family, to show them that he too was excited to be marrying me, as I was excited to be marrying him.

The 'One Year On' chapter is written by me.....I think you can pretty much tell how happy I was, how in love with him I was and how lucky I felt to be his, to be married to such a perfect, wonderful, incredible, happy, generous, jolly human being.

Since I 'stumbled' on this earlier today I have thought about nothing else.

It has 'crushed' me.

Ten steps forward, fifty back.

In one week, in 7 short days, on 15th August, it would have been our 4th wedding anniversary.

People probably want me to see the positive in this.

That at least I had him.

That he had me.

That we had each other, for whatever amount of time.

That we were lucky to have been so in love.

Well.....I wouldn't say him being dead is particularly lucky and I certainly don't feel fucking lucky having lost the love of my life, The One.

Lucky? LUCKY?

I don't want to 'feel lucky', I don't want to think about how we had it good for the time we were together, I don't want to look back and remember 'how it used to be when John was alive'.

I want John.

I want our perfect, wonderful, exciting, happy adventure of a life.

I want us.

What do they say? "I want, never gets".