The End

I've been blogging since 2nd June 2012, two weeks after John's untimely death.

Sharing my thoughts and feelings on here has been my counselling, my psychotherapy, my shoulder to cry on, I've come to depend on this blog as one would an old, dear friend.

But, events lately have left a sour taste in my mouth, I have effectively 'killed' my own blog. 
I cannot continue writing it.

Last week I wrote a blog chapter which was worded in such a way as to offend, humiliate and upset...this was never, ever my intention, ever. I was trying to paint a picture and instead it came across as personal, which it most definitely was not. 
Thankfully, my apology was accepted.

My blog has never been about followers, about the audience that read this, I don't care and have never really cared for a following. I write, I get it out of my head, I move on. 
But, this situation reminds you that there is an audience out there, people are reading this and so, in my opinion, one must ensure that what one writes is appropriate.

Some might say that it's all about Freedom of Speech and expression.....in this case they're wrong, it's not, it's about knowing right from wrong and I was very wrong.

So, with this in mind, I am no longer writing this blog.

I have had my typing fingers well and truly burnt and I can't, with good conscience, carry on.

I have been troubled by my last chapter (which I removed and deleted) ever since I was informed of it's offending nature.....I am still troubled by it.

I don't mind admitting that I have had one or two nights of crying myself to sleep, for many reasons, but mostly because I feel disgusting, cruel and extremely embarrassed. 

This blog was supposed to be a positive, to make sense of grief and loss and mourning, not to hurt and humiliate and upset and offend.

I hadn't really finished with the blog, it does 'help' me, and I don't really want to let it go but I have to.

I will have to find other ways to deal with unanswered questions and issues that are still bouncing around in my head. 

Who knows, maybe one day I will actually speak to someone about it all.

But, at the moment it's beginning to feel like yet another 'loss', I feel tearful just typing this.

Over the months, complete strangers have messaged me and told me of their own journeys, how they have found similarity through reading this blog, how this blog has helped them to understand what they are also going through, etc, etc. 

And so I will leave this blog here on the t'interweb, who knows who might stumble upon it and how it might help them deal with the loss of a loved one.....without it I don't know that I would actually be here today.

To those that have read it, commented on it, followed it, messaged me, kept an eye on me, loved me, been there for me, I have just two very important words.........

THANK YOU