Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's 2014 people!!!!!!

So......shall I continue to blog? 

This is my New Year's Day question to the cosmos.....should I stay and chart my journey through Grief? 
Shall I continue to record the feelings, thoughts and 'stuff' that haunt my head, heart and mind?

Or......shall I say 'Enough is Enough', Johnnie died in 2012, it's now's time to 'let go', it's time to 'move on, it's time to 'live your life' again?!

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now.
I have to admit, the blog has been incredibly helpful, it's been very honest and it has given me an outlet when I wasn't ready to talk to someone.
But now, I'm ready to talk, to seek guidance, to 'deal with it'.

And then there's the moving on.......

Is it too soon?
Has John been gone long enough?
Should I, like Queen Victoria before me, devote many years of my life to John and his memory? (believe me, I could!).
What if I wanted to go out with another man.......
What would people say?
What would people think?
More importantly, how would I deal with it?
I'm not even sure I'm ready!
They're not going to be Him, they're not going to be familiar, they won't smell, look, feel, taste, sound like John (I can remember all of these things, I always will) ....which, for me is the biggest hurdle going forward.....simply, they're not HIM.
I'll deal with it in my way....but I am determined to deal with it!

Perhaps I can blog as and when I really feel the need, after a good 'session' with the Bereavement Counsellor maybe...?

I think blogging less and living more might well be what I need.
But, it's become a sort of trusty friend now, there are days I just want to come up to the spare room and type, even though I have nothing to say, I just want to be near the blog.......weird, huh?!

And there's posting emotional songs, words and photos on Facebook. 
Methinks that has to stop too. 
I've always posted photographs and music, but recently they've almost all meant something sadder, darker, less a celebration of Johnnie, more me wallowing in Death's shadow and my own misery.....

It. Has. To. Stop.

I am determined, in my fucked up mind, to embrace 2014 and all it has to throw at me.
I am determined to smile more than frown.
I am determined to live for the future, not dwell in the past.
I am determined to see my friends, not lock myself away in my little cottage.
I am determined to have more good days than bad.
I am determined to accept happiness into my life.
I am, quite simply, determined.
I have duelled with Death and I'm still here.
Apparently, I am an overly dramatic, emotional, infuriating, funny, hot, sweary, hospitable and lovely man.......
I will continue to be these things, but on my terms, in my way, of this I am determined.

I am not the man I was when John was alive, I have most definitely changed.
I think, when a person witnesses and goes through what I have, you can't help but change.
It's part of the journey you must take.

I won't suffer fools. I won't.
I won't accept drama in my life EVER....bring it into my life and I will banish you, whether you be friend, family or foe. I promise!
I won't be anything other than truthful and honest.

I will be me, you may not like the new me, but it's all I have left.
I have nothing to lose having lost the Love of my Life.....however, in my more positive mind I will say this..........'Nothing Loved Is Ever Lost'.
Join me on this ride into the future atop my gleaming white Unicorn, or leave me be.

I might blog again soon, I might not, I'll see how I feel!

See you on the other side.

Happy New Year One and All.

John, Maximillian and Millie-Moo xxx

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