Back to Black

I've been pretty upbeat and positive for a while. 

Probably the longest time since John fell ill.

In the last couple of days, that has changed.

Again.

Once more I find myself depressed, unhappy, fed up and really low.

The fact that I have sciatica and back pain might be influencing my mood just a tad, but even so, I find myself crying at the smallest thing.

I look at a picture of John/Us and I cry.

I think of John, I cry.

Last night, I literally sobbed into my bolognese sauce.

It wasn't pretty.

Once more I am consumed with only one thought, that I want John back. 

It's all I can think about. 

I know I can't have him back, I know that. 

But it doesn't stop me obsessing over it though.

And if one more person says 'I wish I could bring him back/make it all better for you' I swear I will NUT THEM! 

I'm sorry, I'm not being ungrateful, but that sort of comment really doesn't help. 

No amount of wishing or hoping or praying or pleading or begging will change a thing, believe me I spent a month in Germany and I have spent the last 20 months in the UK doing just that!!!!!!

If you must wish for anything, wish for happiness, for yourself, for anyone, for everyone.

To cap it off, I got the call from Cruse Bereavement this afternoon.......'Brenda' is coming to see me a week tomorrow.

Now that I know someone is coming, now that I know it is happening, I am petrified of it.

I am really scared.

Talking about any and/or all of this with a complete stranger fills me with dread.

I don't know that I want to share the inner goings on of my mind with someone (not even my friends or family know everything!).

Just thinking about her coming next week is making me shake and well up.

Yeah, I know, I have to speak to someone, I do NEED to speak to someone, but now that she's all 'booked in' I don't know if I want to or even can.

Opening the flood gates is a very petrifying thought.

What if I can't stop, what if I lose it, what if I scare her off and she doesn't want to come back?!

Ifs, buts and maybes, I know.

Anyway, I need to go and feel sorry for myself and walk the dogs while I walk slowly behind them by the river, crying my eyes out and having imaginary conversations with my Husband, which I have done for far too many days.

I will leave you with the Moody Blues, because, quite literally, I have 'the Moody Blues'!!!!!!!!

Well I've had dreams enough for one

And I've got love enough for three

I have my hopes to comfort me

I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift

It will always be that way

Cos I know I'm going to find my own piece of mind

Someday.........

Where is this place that we have found?

Nobody knows where we are bound

I long to hear, I need to see

Cos I've shed tears too many for me

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift

It will always be that way

Cos I know I'm going to find my own piece of mind

Someday........

Ignore the stupid video, just listen...

One Year in Cornwall

One year.
365 days.
52 weeks.
12 months.
As of today, this is how long Max, Millie and Me have lived in Cornwall.

I had started typing a long chapter about how things went from pitch dark to light, from unhappy to nearly happy, from negative to positive....blah, blah, blah.
But I won't.
That would feel negative to me and I am still very determined to be as positive as I can.

Instead I'm just going to stay THANK YOU......to my dear, brilliantly wonderful, supportive friends Heather and Lawrence -  parents of my amazing God Children.
They found me my first home here.
They helped me move in.
They looked after me.
They supported me.
They listened to me as I cried and tried to make sense of my very different life.

I love this lot!!!

Without them, I wouldn't actually be here.
I wouldn't be in Cornwall.
I wouldn't be well on the road to recovery.
In fact, I'm not sure I would actually be here at all, when you consider some of the darker times I've had in the past!

Today is also Heather's birthday.......so it's Happy Birthday my beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous friend. This big gay boy loves you and your family more than you will ever know!

Finding Myself

I received this image yesterday from a very, very, very good friend of mine, a friend who has been there for me since John has been gone, a friend I love and adore and cherish.

There are days when I am still guilty of crying myself to sleep, but thankfully, they are less and less.

I am finding myself again.

I am finding my way again.

With the support of friends like this, how can I not?

(P.S. Cruse Bereavement called me to say that they haven't forgotten me, they're waiting for a volunteer to become available....)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It's 2014 people!!!!!!

So......shall I continue to blog? 

This is my New Year's Day question to the cosmos.....should I stay and chart my journey through Grief? 

Shall I continue to record the feelings, thoughts and 'stuff' that haunt my head, heart and mind?

Or......shall I say 'Enough is Enough', Johnnie died in 2012, it's now 2014......it's time to 'let go', it's time to 'move on, it's time to 'live your life' again?!

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now.

I have to admit, the blog has been incredibly helpful, it's been very honest and it has given me an outlet when I wasn't ready to talk to someone.

But now, I'm ready to talk, to seek guidance, to 'deal with it'.

And then there's the moving on.......

Is it too soon?

Has John been gone long enough?

Should I, like Queen Victoria before me, devote many years of my life to John and his memory? (believe me, I could!).

What if I wanted to go out with another man.......

What would people say?

What would people think?

More importantly, how would I deal with it?

I'm not even sure I'm ready!

They're not going to be Him, they're not going to be familiar, they won't smell, look, feel, taste, sound like John (I can remember all of these things, I always will) ....which, for me is the biggest hurdle going forward.....simply, they're not HIM.

I'll deal with it in my way....but I am determined to deal with it!

Perhaps I can blog as and when I really feel the need, after a good 'session' with the Bereavement Counsellor maybe...?

I think blogging less and living more might well be what I need.

But, it's become a sort of trusty friend now, there are days I just want to come up to the spare room and type, even though I have nothing to say, I just want to be near the blog.......weird, huh?!

And there's posting emotional songs, words and photos on Facebook. 

Methinks that has to stop too. 

I've always posted photographs and music, but recently they've almost all meant something sadder, darker, less a celebration of Johnnie, more me wallowing in Death's shadow and my own misery.....

It. Has. To. Stop.

I am determined, in my fucked up mind, to embrace 2014 and all it has to throw at me.

I am determined to smile more than frown.

I am determined to live for the future, not dwell in the past.

I am determined to see my friends, not lock myself away in my little cottage.

I am determined to have more good days than bad.

I am determined to accept happiness into my life.

I am, quite simply, determined.

I have duelled with Death and I'm still here.

Apparently, I am an overly dramatic, emotional, infuriating, funny, hot, sweary, hospitable and lovely man.......

I will continue to be these things, but on my terms, in my way, of this I am determined.

I am not the man I was when John was alive, I have most definitely changed.

I think, when a person witnesses and goes through what I have, you can't help but change.

It's part of the journey you must take.

I won't suffer fools. I won't.

I won't accept drama in my life EVER....bring it into my life and I will banish you, whether you be friend, family or foe. I promise!

I won't be anything other than truthful and honest.

I will be me, you may not like the new me, but it's all I have left.

I have nothing to lose having lost the Love of my Life.....however, in my more positive mind I will say this..........'Nothing Loved Is Ever Lost'.

Join me on this ride into the future atop my gleaming white Unicorn, or leave me be.

I might blog again soon, I might not, I'll see how I feel!

See you on the other side.

Happy New Year One and All.

John, Maximillian and Millie-Moo xxx