Back to Black

I've been pretty upbeat and positive for a while. 

Probably the longest time since John fell ill.

In the last couple of days, that has changed.

Again.

Once more I find myself depressed, unhappy, fed up and really low.

The fact that I have sciatica and back pain might be influencing my mood just a tad, but even so, I find myself crying at the smallest thing.

I look at a picture of John/Us and I cry.

I think of John, I cry.

Last night, I literally sobbed into my bolognese sauce.

It wasn't pretty.

Once more I am consumed with only one thought, that I want John back. 

It's all I can think about. 

I know I can't have him back, I know that. 

But it doesn't stop me obsessing over it though.

And if one more person says 'I wish I could bring him back/make it all better for you' I swear I will NUT THEM! 

I'm sorry, I'm not being ungrateful, but that sort of comment really doesn't help. 

No amount of wishing or hoping or praying or pleading or begging will change a thing, believe me I spent a month in Germany and I have spent the last 20 months in the UK doing just that!!!!!!

If you must wish for anything, wish for happiness, for yourself, for anyone, for everyone.

To cap it off, I got the call from Cruse Bereavement this afternoon.......'Brenda' is coming to see me a week tomorrow.

Now that I know someone is coming, now that I know it is happening, I am petrified of it.

I am really scared.

Talking about any and/or all of this with a complete stranger fills me with dread.

I don't know that I want to share the inner goings on of my mind with someone (not even my friends or family know everything!).

Just thinking about her coming next week is making me shake and well up.

Yeah, I know, I have to speak to someone, I do NEED to speak to someone, but now that she's all 'booked in' I don't know if I want to or even can.

Opening the flood gates is a very petrifying thought.

What if I can't stop, what if I lose it, what if I scare her off and she doesn't want to come back?!

Ifs, buts and maybes, I know.

Anyway, I need to go and feel sorry for myself and walk the dogs while I walk slowly behind them by the river, crying my eyes out and having imaginary conversations with my Husband, which I have done for far too many days.

I will leave you with the Moody Blues, because, quite literally, I have 'the Moody Blues'!!!!!!!!

Well I've had dreams enough for one

And I've got love enough for three

I have my hopes to comfort me

I got my new horizons out to sea

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift

It will always be that way

Cos I know I'm going to find my own piece of mind

Someday.........

Where is this place that we have found?

Nobody knows where we are bound

I long to hear, I need to see

Cos I've shed tears too many for me

But I'm never going to lose your precious gift

It will always be that way

Cos I know I'm going to find my own piece of mind

Someday........

Ignore the stupid video, just listen...