To Be or Not To Be, That Is The Question

I did not sleep well at all last night.

My head is all over the place.

I have no motivation at all....absolutely none.

I'm sitting here doing nothing.

Why??? Because at the moment I have nothing to do anything for!

There's no house to move to.

So, no reason to clear and sort and clean and pack.

Am I meant to go to Cornwall?

Is this a sign?

I've got rid of furniture that would not have fitted in the ex-new house.

I've bought furniture for the ex-new house that I might not need.

I've sold plants in the garden because I didn't have a garden in the ex-new house.

I needn't have done any of that now.

Thank god I didn't go and buy the fridge freezer that I would have needed!!!!

Then there's the flat I live in now.....

I don't have a job.

It's not cheap.

I can't afford it on my own with no job for very long.

Then what?!?!?!?!?!?!

If I go out and get another job in London will I ever leave this fucking city?

I've woken up in a really dark, unhappy, unmotivated, angry place.

I'm glad I have no plans at all today - people need to steer clear of me.

Where once there was solid ground there is now just thin air.

I do not feel safe or in any way comfortable.

I am worrying like crazy.

I've always considered myself quite mentally strong.....now I feel like I am definitely losing my grip.

I need John. 

I really, really, really, REALLY need John.

There is a rage and a fear and worry and screams building inside me.

I can't stop crying.

This does not feel good.

Not at all.