It's Not Us, It's You

Believe me when I say that, following John's illness and subsequent death, I know the meaning of friendship, of having proper 'by your side' friends, this I know and understand.

However......following John's death, friends that I thought were there for the long haul have gone, literally stopped all communication. 

Some of these friends were in mine and John's lives for our entire relationship, almost 10 years.

You enter a relationship and you pick up new friends, lose old ones, combine friends, etc, I understand all that, but what I don't understand is how friends can be friends one minute and gone the next.

Friends we had 'lost' came back into my life following John's death and assured me they would 'be there for me', they would 'be better friends', they would 'be around'........did they fuck! 

Once the funeral was over I never saw them again.

Yes, I moved 300 miles from London to Cornwall. 

The geography is of course a problem but that's why people invented the telephone, texting, emailing, FaceTime, Skype, etc, etc.

Also, I know that there are times when I could try harder to contact people, I know that, but some days I just want to cry and moan and whine and whinge and talk about my Grief, my Loss, my Sadness, but I don't want my friends getting sick of that nonsense! 

I know that's what friends are for and I would do the same for them but do you see my point??!?!!?!

What if they're having a fantastic day and I ring up crying???? (there's that paranoia!)

Some friends I can go for months without talking to them but we pick up where we left off, that's how strong our friendship is.....Bella, H-M, the Boys, K&J to name just a few.

I use Facebook a lot, mostly for pictures of Cornwall, sharing music and silly pictures of my little dogs, it IS NOT a barometer of my life at all (this blog is more me!), but when you see a so-called friend commenting on another friend's post, then finding out that the commenting friend has un-friended your profiles, well, you begin to wonder....don't you?! 

It gnaws at you, chipping away at your low self confidence and personal paranoias.

Since John died, my self esteem and confidence and pretty much non existent and I am hugely paranoid about everything - Am I doing this right? Is this ok? Should I do that? What about this? What about that? You name it I worry about it. 

John always saw me on the right path, but now, alone, I find it very hard to make decisions, to LIVE my life. 

Ultimately, in my mind, whether rightly or wrongly, I see it like this - these people, these so-called friends, they liked John, they were there for John, I was only included because I was John's Hubby (eventually!). 

They didn't like me at all and, following John's untimely death, they saw this event as the 'get out clause', they could rid themselves of me, and this I think is what these people have done.

I don't really blame them, I'm not as funny, gregarious, loud, witty or amazingly incandescent  with Life as John was, I never will be.

I'm not the most likeable of people, this I know and ultimately probably agree with.

John held the room in his hand, I can barely hold a conversation sometimes!

But....they could have had the fucking balls to tell me!

Remembrance Sunday

John died 18 months ago today.

I have no words, just my Grief.

Have you seen The Muffin Man?

Wood 'n' Wine

Last time we spoke I was Unhappy, very Unhappy.

After a few days of tantrums and tears and much too much thinking, it's safe to say that the gloom is lifting, I'm feeling a tad less Unhappy and a little bit more John McKenna.

I am still worried about income, about making ends meet, about ensuring that I can take care of my financial responsibilities, but, in the last couple of days things have happened that have made me feel that bit better.

I am doing big, adult, grown up thinking and will, hopefully, come to the right decision eventually....time will tell.

In this house I have a little wood burner in the lounge. 

Something I have never had before, something I have never, ever used before. 

I was a little apprehensive about using it and was putting it off and putting it off.

Last night our God Childrens' Dad came over and gave me 'tuition'.....it's not as bad as I was making it in my head....who knew?!?!?

So, for the first time this autumn/winter I had a roaring fire last night and it was toasty and warm in the cottage....wonderful!

Today I went out and bought a car full of wood.....there will be roaring fires every night!!!!

The other thing that happened was a tad more of a shock!

When John and I decided to get hitched we employed the services of one of our best friends to design the stationery for us (he's a designery-type, dahlings).....he did a fucking amazing job too!!! 

We saw an image of a bird we liked and we licensed a copy off the t'interweb for ourselves.

Following John's death and my move to Cornwall I decided to get the bird and some text tattooed on my left forearm. The same arm of my wedding ring finger and tattooed so that he will always be a part of me, forever.

Imagine my complete and utter surprise (and shock) while wandering aimlessly around Co-Op in Hayle yesterday. 

There, right in front of me, staring right back at me, was the bird from our Civil Partnership invitations. 

John absolutely loved to drink, it was one of his pleasures, it was a pleasure he could have won an Olympic Gold medal in! 

A dry white wine, G&T, Pimms in the Summer and a Whisky in the Winter, there was always an occasion to drink.....Always.

Not only was 'our bird' in the Co-Op Supermarket, it was on a bottle of wine.....bloody WINE!!!!!

Initially, I didn't like it, I wasn't happy with it at all.

However, after an evening of thinking, reflection and chatting with friends and family on Facebook, I realised that it really could not have been any more appropriate.

Had John been around to see it he would have emitted a huge bellowing laugh, told several people about it, bought a few bottles and drunk them in celebration.

The one thing that keeps going around in my head is that it actually happened....what are the chances of this happening for goodness sake?!?!?!?!

I'm not superstitious or a believer in 'signs' and shit like that but, as hard as I try to not think about it, I think it was some sort of 'sign', a positive, cosmic 'kick up the arse', to remind me of the good times, of my Man and his joy for Life, not me and my Grief and Loss and Sadness.

Oh they're still there, I have days where I just sob and sob and sob, but they are less than they were.

Wood and Wine.....two things my Hubby enjoyed in abundance ;-)

This makes me smile!