Jealous Guy

A feeling has been manifesting itself quite strongly recently......that would be Jealousy.

Whenever I see another couple, whether they be male/male, male/female, female/female, it doesn't matter, but when I see them together, holding hands, arms around each other, moments of affection, I get really jealous.

I also become angry.

Angry for seeing it.

Angry for how it makes me feel.

Angry that it's not me and John.

Now I know that I cannot inhabit this world and not see people showing each other affection and, quite frankly, I really am going to have to get over it, but it just makes me angry and sad and lonely.

I'm really not liking being alone.

Not one bit.

I know I have friends and family that I can be with and that are there for me.

But, it's not the same as having a lover, someone to kiss and cuddle and love and hug and cuddle and, even when I am surrounded by those people, inside I am screaming for John.

For all the positives in my current life, and if the truth be told there are many, I am not enjoying it. 

It's still "early days" I s'pose but I'm not properly enjoying my life, this life, life without John.

I am an Automaton.

I go through the motions.

I'm a robot.

I'm on autopilot.

I look for him everywhere.

I know I'll never find him but it doesn't stop me trying.

When I feel 'close' to him, I'm feeling close to a memory, that is all.

People have said he's here, watching over us all......I don't subscribe to that point of view, I never have and I doubt I ever will.

I'm more literal in my thinking, I actually look for John, for HIM, not for a 'sign' or something more 'spiritual', that's not me......and it wasn't John either.

To suggest that he will appear to me in some sense, that he is watching over us, implies that there is a 'Higher Being' out there, that there is another side, someone/something that can hear and see our pleads and prayers and begging for them not to take the ones we love.

A Higher Being that completely ignored my month of pleading and begging and praying and crying and took John anyway.

So, no.....I don't feel he's around me, I don't feel he's watching over me, I don't feel him anywhere.

So I look for him everywhere!

And for that matter, IF there were another side, John would find a way to contact me, to contact his Boys, I KNOW he would.

I can't speak for the Boys, but he hasn't contacted me.

I have had nothing from my Husband, the Love of my Life, nothing at all since April 2012.

Nothing.
At. 
All.

HelLOW

I went to bed last night crying and unhappy.

I cried during the night.

I awoke to the same.

I have been bubbling over all day so far and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I guess this is what they call 'a low'.

Anything and everything is making me unhappy, making me cry, making me sad.

I've been trying to motivate myself but I just can't.

I should be packing but I really cannot be fucking bothered.

I don't want to see or speak to anyone but I want to talk and get a hug.

I look around this house and I see John everywhere and it just makes me cry.

I have an enormous headache from all the crying.

To add to the melodrama, I've been flicking through the book of messages, emails, text messages, etc that John sent me in the first few of years of our budding relationship.

I really don't know or care if it's a good or bad thing, I just want to do it.

Shoot me down in flames if you like, I really couldn't give a shit.

I may as well fight fire with fire and fucking well go with the flow.

I'd like to say it makes me feel closer to him but that would be an enormous lie.

Reading through it just makes me even more unhappy, it reminds me that he's dead and gone and that, ultimately, I am alone, lonely, on my own, without him.

We're now in the 15th month since John fell ill and, considering my current state of mind, perhaps I haven't come as far as I had thought.

Last night and today is a full on sobfest.

The dogs are avoiding me, something they haven't done since last year in London - they 'know' Dad's not right.

And I'm not.

I'm not right.

I haven't been 'right' since 19th April 2012.

John was 'The One'.

John was and will always be 'The Love of my Life'.

We were meant to be together.

But it should have been FOREVER!

Today I can't do it.

I can't do 'Life'.
It can fuck off.

It really does sound pathetic, but I can't....and I don't want to!

I am aware that, to some extent, I am probably 'wallowing' it in but do I care? Do I fuck!

Every single sad song I can find on my iTunes is being played, loud.

Every single song that means something to 'Us' is being played, loud.

Lose the person you're crazy in love with.

Lose the one you were going to spend the rest of your natural life with.

Lose the Love of your Life.

Lose The One.

Then, only then, when you can never, ever, EVER, see them, touch them, smell them, hear them, speak to them, look me in the eye and tell me I'm not allowed to 'wallow in it'.

Today I am being honest - the truth, nothing sugar coated, no deception.

Having met a lovely, very nice young man and then have it all go wrong and hurt him, has made me realise that, for all my bluster and positive words, I'm not doing so well.

It has opened the flood gates and I'm not sure I know how to close them again.

I'm not coping with the loss of John as well as I make out if I'm telling the truth.

I'm still not sleeping very well.

I cry at the drop of a hat.

I listen to sad songs, our songs, more often than not.

Everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm thinking of John for the most part.

And NO, before any of you suggest it, I am NOT talking to someone, some stranger, about it, about me, about us, about John, about any of it.

I'm NOT!

If I do that it'll be under my own steam, as and when I am ready, IF I am ever ready.

I would however, for want of a better word, kill for a cuddle, a hug, a pair of safe arms around me, making me feel like it's going to be ok.

Because, honestly, I'm not ok.

Ready, Steady....No!

The man I met is handsome.

The man I met is good looking.

The man I met is lovely.

The man I met wanted me.

The man I met, my heart does not want.

A few weeks ago a really lovely young man was holidaying in Penzance (ironically he lives in south east London!!!!).

We met and got on straight away.

We got on very well.

He returned soon after for a long weekend which was equally wonderful.

This weekend he came back again.

All was well until, last night, we watched my all time favourite film - Torch Song Trilogy.

I still say 'We' instead of 'I' after almost 14 months....

Basically, it's the story of a gay man in New York in the 70s and 80s and his search for love and respect, which sadly includes the fact that the one man he really loves, has a successful relationship with and is adopting a child with, dies a horrible death.

We should never have watched it.

From the moment we put the dvd on we were doomed.

It seems that I am not yet ready for the world of dating.

My heart is not having any of it.

My heart is a loyal one and he still yearns and beats for John.

Yes there is my side of this story but, what hurts more, what really upsets me, is his side of the story, the man I like, likes me......really likes me.
He did nothing wrong.
He wanted to get to know me more.

But........I hurt him.

My heart hurt him.
He left here today crying.

That hurts me.

I've cried a lot this afternoon, both while he was here and after I dropped him off at the railway station for his return to London.

I'm like a push-me-pull-you.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm confused.

To be honest, I'm really unhappy with the whole thing.

I saw a glimpse of what it would be like to be with a lovely man again and my heart shot it down in flames.

You know what, sometimes, when I look at all the words I have written, my depressingly unhappy world of grief, mourning and 'coming to terms with Death', it sounds like a load of fucking bullshit!!!!!!!!!
One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, then I'm happy then I'm sad, I'm dealing with it, then I can't cope.
I mean, seriously, what the fuck?!
Today, Life can take a huge fucking leap off a very large cliff and FUCK RIGHT OFF (sorry for the 'F' words Mum!).

Mercifully, there's a new, full (not for long!) bottle of vodka in the kitchen.......time to crack it open!!!!!!

Unlucky 13

This was going to be a video chapter, but due to the fact that every time I try speaking I cry, I decided that it would be preferable to type it.

However, I just don't feel that typing it is going to get the message across sufficiently.

But I will try.

At the moment I work two days a week as a Bird Keeper and I love it.

I am really loving it.

It is wonderful.

Last night I drove home, I drove home crying.

Why?

Because I really, REALLY want to talk to John.

Because I really, REALLY want to tell John what I am doing.

Because I really, REALLY want to show John where I work.

Because I really, REALLY miss my Hubby!

There have been times when I have got all excited about getting home and talking to John about a particular bird or situation and then, following a spinning and twisting of my guts, I remember that I can't talk to him. 

I have done and still do reach for my iPhone to call him for advice, to call him to tell him something exciting, to call him and tell him I love him.

13 months ago he died and I still reach for my phone, email, text, etc.

Every morning I still wake up and see the empty side of the bed and remember he's dead.

I have been getting praise and positive comments from my colleagues and as much as it makes me feel good, it makes me feel really good, in the back of my mind it also makes me sad.

Sad because I can't share any of this with John.

Sad because I only got here following John's death.

Sad because I'd give it all up in an instant to have him here with me again.

There is another grief blog I follow (http://lifeasawidower.com) and he speaks very eloquently of someone commenting on the fact that, if you dwell on something, you'll never get over it. What he says is so very true, when you're grieving you can't just 'pull yourself together', you don't just get over it, one day full of grief, the next you're fine.

You don't dwell on grief, it consumes you. 

You have no control over it at all.

Grief, for me, is like a body snatcher - on the outside I look and sound like the same person, but on the inside I am being remotely controlled by a feeling, an all consuming emotion.

Perhaps I am having a bit of an unravelling, the bits I thought I had pulled together have become a unstuck.

John is like a magnet, all my unstuck bits being pulled in his direction, we're two halves trying to become a whole again.

An impossibility, but nonetheless my heart and mind won't stop trying.

And all this trying does nothing for my head or heart, it just hurts them and all I want to do is not feel the hurt, the crying, the anguish, the sadness, the loss.

I can't help feeling that I should have just done the video and got it all out. 

Instead I type and I cry, I cry and I type.

I am such a misery today!

Kay & Jim

When John fell ill back in April 2012, two people, two very special friends, literally gave up their lives to help us.

Within minutes of calling Kay on the Thursday evening she was in our home asking what she could do, who should she call, what can she arrange, etc, etc.

The following morning, as I left everything behind and flew to Germany to be with my man, Kay and Jim moved into our home -  for almost a month!

They looked after our dogs and chickens.

They made sure that I worried about absolutely nothing in the UK.

They ensured that I focused on my Hubby.

They are Kay and Jim.

They are an INCREDIBLE couple.

They have just left after a long weekend here with me and the dogs in warm, wet and windy Cornwall.

It was really wonderful to see them.

We haven't seen each other since I waved them goodbye in London back in January.

While they were here we talked, we laughed and, admittedly we (mostly me!) cried.

We remembered John, we talked about him, we laughed at situations, at memories, at where life has brought us all.

It was bloody lovely to talk about John, to chat about my Hubby. 

To include him in the conversation.

It brings him back to life.

It was especially lovely to do so with two people that not only knew him well but who loved him just as much as he loved them.

Kay and Jim deserve their own blog 'chapter'.

Some people know what they did for us, but I want the world to know how fucking amazing they both are, what they did for John and me, how they helped me through the (rare) highs and the most dark and dreadful of lows.

They have always been there for me and the dogs.

I can never, ever show them just how much I am thankful or how much I love and adore them so this is, pathetically, my way of saying THANK YOU....from me and the dogs (who would desert me and go and live with Aunty Kay and Uncle Jim in a heart beat!!!!!!).

The fabulous Mr & Mrs Forton-Holey!

Scaredy Cat

I learnt something about me today that I wasn't expecting at all.

This morning, I took Maximillian Sydney Bruiser to the vet. 

My little man has had a 'bad paw' for a couple of days which he has not stopped licking, it's red and inflamed and so off we went to find out what was causing it - I assumed a seed head or a thorn had got stuck in his pad.

Max has a bacterial infection and all his licking has pushed the infection further into his paw.

It's nothing serious.

It's nothing life threatening.

It's not affecting his ability to walk or play!

It's treatable with antibiotics and a paw wash solution.

However.......after the vet told me that essentially there was nothing seriously wrong with Max, I cried.

Right there.

In front of him.

I was panicking inside that he was going to tell me that there was something seriously wrong with Max and, ultimately, I was so afraid that I was going to lose my little fella.

I know this sounds stupid and a tad dramatic but I honestly felt 'scared' inside, knowing it was probably nothing but worrying like mad that it was something more.

The dogs are my 'Kids', they always have been and always will be.

I couldn't be without Max or Moo, they are literally everything to me.

In the last year they have done more to 'save me' than anything or anyone if the truth be told.....and they don't even know it!

They've listened to my grief stricken (drunken!) ramblings.

They've watched me fall apart.

They've cuddled me.

They've made me smile and laugh.

They've always been there with their wagging bums and unconditional love.

They saved me when I didn't think I could go on.

And so.....for all the bravado and 'strength' in my previous posts about fighting back whenever Life takes a swing at me, I can honestly say that since John died, there is something that scares the living fuckery out of me.....Loss.

I am very much afraid of Loss.

I am scared that friends and family who I love and cherish will get ill and that I will lose them too.

I am worried that, in the future when there's another man in my life, when I get close and we're a happy couple, Life will fuck me over again, he will fall ill, he will die, and he will also be taken from me.

Perhaps it's irrational, perhaps it's melodrama.

Whatever it is, it fucking petrifies me.

The Key

They don't look like much, they're just two keys.

But, these keys mean so much more to me than that.

These are keys to my new career, my new life.

Yesterday, I turned up for work and commenced chopping fruit (chicks, mice and rats are still a 'challenge' for me - it seems as I get older my stomach has become less 'tolerant').

As I was chopping, these keys were handed to me.

They are keys to the aviaries.

I am now entrusted with being able to enter any enclosure at work....on my own....without the requirement for shadowing or supervision.

This might not seem much to the average reader, but let me tell you, it means so much more.

I've only been there two weeks, 4 days in reality, but already I have been given not keys but TRUST.

From me they will always receive hard work and enthusiasm and all I require from them is trust. Trust in me to do the job, trust in me to work hard, trust in me to deliver, trust in me to do it without the need for supervision.

One thing will always make me sad - John cannot see me doing this. It really does cut me up inside that he isn't witness to this new life of mine. I am very much aware that had he not died I wouldn't have this new life (I'd rather have him than this ANY DAY!), but all the same I really honestly wish he could see how I am doing, what I am doing and where me and the dogs have come.

I have a couple of projects that I have been given and I'd love to be able to talk to him about them, get his opinion on my thoughts, get his expertise, dip into his vast knowledge.

I have his notebooks here - he took notes all the time, but they're not the same as having him, his laugh, his sarcasm.

Perhaps I should 'tap into' my zoo friends in London and chat with them about my thoughts, etc.....maybe?! 

It would probably make me feel that bit closer to my Hubby too...

Instead, I go to bed with a bird book each and every night and 'study'......

I was working next to the Toco Toucan aviary yesterday and I just wanted to stop and talk to John.

Toco Toucans will always, ALWAYS make me think of him, always....!

I haven't cried for a few days but today I am tearful. It doesn't help that I have a cough, a cold, aches and pains and I am feeling just a tad sorry for myself.

Today I miss my Hubby.

Today I need a hug from him.

Today I am a little bit sad.

12 months of Blogging!

My name is John.

I am now 43 years old.

I am a widower.

One year ago today I started this blog following the death of the Love of my Life, my Husband, John.

This picture says it all.....

A year ago I never thought I would make this journey.

A year ago I never thought I would be here.

A year ago I never thought about anything but Death.

A year on and I am here.

A year on and I have made it.

A year on and I am 'Happy'.

Life goes on, it really does......so.......

LIVE YOUR LIFE!