Annus Horribilis

One year ago today, my darling Hubby reached the end of his journey.

One year ago today, dressed in (almost!) the same suit I married him in, I said Goodbye to the Love of my Life.

One year ago today, we gave John a bloody good send off (the Pub ran out of Gin!!).
I have one overriding memory of John's funeral - our gorgeous friend Kay's outfit....a beautiful Hummingbird dress with the most amazing red shoes (she was definitely channelling Dorothy!)......John would have LOVED it, almost as much as we love her. 
I don't know why I remember Kay's outfit more than anything else that day, but I do....maybe the Hummingbirds made me think of John....who knows?!
Whatever the reason, Kay was gorgeous!

One year ago today, I didn't think I would make this journey alone.
I faced my life feeling alone, depressed, unhappy, lost, also wanting to die.

I never thought I would be strong enough to do it, to live on after John's death.

I never thought I would break free of the grief, the loss, the mourning, the sadness, the fuckery.
I have been through, quite possibly, the worst thing that a partner/lover/Husband/Wife can go through - the death of their partner/lover/Husband/Wife.
You don't go through life thinking that it might one day happen to you.
You don't wonder what you would do if it happened to you.
You don't daydream about the death of the one you love.
You don't.

I have now approached, experienced and dealt with every single anniversary/special day/date/birthday, etc.....
They've all been done for the first time - the worst time.
Going forward, these dates and anniversaries will get easier and I will cherish them and remember them always.
On 17th May every year, until the day I also die, I will mark the death of my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
On 26th February, until the day I also die, I will mark the birthday of my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
On 15th August, until the day I also die, I will mark the day I married my Hubby, my wonderful 'Wolfie'.
I will never, ever, ever not remember him.
For the rest of my natural life.

Of course the grief, loss and sadness are still within me, I think they will always be with me, but they're more controlled, I am in a much better place.
If they weren't in me it would mean I have forgotten and I don't ever want them to leave me completely.

I am actually 'happy'.

And that word 'happy', in my mind, would mean more to John than anything else - knowing I was and am now 'happy' again.

And so, almost 14 months since he died, this is how I finish this journey through Hell...............
'Happy'.
I have some amazing friends and family who have been there for me and I know will continue to be, as I am there for them.
You will never know how much you helped me, saved me, kept me going and just how much I love you - to all of you, THANK YOU....I can never, ever adequately show or express my appreciation to you all.
And then there's my gorgeous niece. 
They say where there is Death there is also Life and little Ellie was born into this world just as John left it. 
She is now one of many focuses in my life, my new and 'happy' life.

This is not the end of the blog, although it rather sounds like it.

This is the end of my very own Annus horribilis (no jokes!!!!). 
Today marks the end of my 'Year of Horror'.
From tomorrow I am done, I am now a new me, I am not so much grieving and crying as living and seeing the world with new, wiser eyes....and I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could or would be.
I'm not 'me' anymore. 
I'm not the John McKenna that you once knew.
I'm not the same.
Nothing much can phase me now.
Nothing can worry or scare me.
I went to War with Death and I won.
He very nearly got me too at one point but I stopped myself and (with the support of family and friends) I fought on.
Life can't fuck with me anymore because I know I can and will fight back!
Life is for the living and that is exactly what I am doing.
Life has become very exciting now that I have my 'dream' job and a beautiful new home to move to in July.

The 'new' John McKenna is looking forward to his Cornish future with wiser, more experienced eyes, and it feels good.

He's Home

A year ago today my Husband's body was flown home from Germany to London.

As with all the 'anniversaries', today is a day I will not forget.....

I spent the majority of it in the Funeral Director's office in Honor Oak Park, hoping and praying that the minute John's body touched UK soil the Coroner wasn't going to insist that John be subject to a post mortem......he'd been through more than enough already!

It all turned out 'ok' in the end and John was left in peace.

A few days later I requested to see John.

They refused me.

He'd 'gone too far' and I was advised that it wouldn't be a positive experience and so they denied me access to the man I love.

I was sobbing, practically begging them to let me see him.

I NEEDED to see him, to know it was him, to see with my own eyes that the man everyone was telling me was dead, WAS my man!

They didn't let me.

So.....I ran home, I grabbed photos of him, I ran back.

I didn't tell them he had tattoos so I asked them to tell me if the body had any tattoos, what they were, where they were, and I also asked them to confirm that the handsome man in the pictures I was holding in my shaking hands was John.

They described his tattoos perfectly.

It was him.

At that moment, in that office, my world crashed to the floor.

I stood there and I sobbed and I sobbed and I sobbed.

Not because I got confirmation that he was dead.

Because I would never, ever, ever see him again.

25 Years....

Some of my close friends and family know that recently I have been seriously thinking about moving back to London. It has not been an easy few months here in beautiful Cornwall, not least the issue of finding decent employment. Yes, I did find a good job, but not the right job, and not the right job for me.

It has also been difficult to find some friends down here, mainly due to the lack of job, going out and meeting people, etc, etc. It has been a 'double edged sword' to be honest. However, with the help my god children I have grown to love this place even more than I did when John and I used to visit.

It is starting to feel like home, the locals recognise me and we are now stopping in the street and chatting (gossiping!). 

It feels good.

25 years ago I was a zoo keeper, more specifically, a Bird Keeper.

It was, for me, my chosen career for life.

Sadly, Life decided that it was going to screw up that particular dream and, to cut a very long and boring story short, I never got back into it. But, it remains a hobby and an interest and I've almost always got my head in a bird book - have you seen the Field Guide to Mesozoic Birds? 

Very interesting!

In my relationship with John, friends and family only ever really saw one 'bird person' - John. It was his career, his life, it was also current whereas my 'bird life' was some years previous. Yes we both bird watched but I don't think many really thought of me as an ex bird-keeper.

John and I met at the Yard Bar in Soho. When we arrived at the 'Singles Event' (I wasn't technically single!), we were given a nut and bolt that didn't fit and we had to find our 'match'. Well, not only did our nuts and bolts match, but we matched each other, perfectly I'd say. 

With our matching nuts and bolts, we sauntered off to the bar to get our free ice breaker drink. It was here that John told me what he did for a living and I told him that I was also once a zoo/bird keeper. It turned out that we knew a few people and that our lives had crossed a fair few times. With John in my life I felt like I was still part of the Zoo community, although not working in it. He involved me in his discussions, his events, visiting other collections, etc, etc. As a PA I knew a bit about administration so he got me to do spreadsheets, presentations and documents for him which I thoroughly enjoyed. He made me feel part of it, I was a zoo keeper by proxy....AND I LOVED IT!

Fast forward 25 years from that young man in the picture to today..........

*drum roll*

As of Tuesday 28th May 2013 I will once again be a Bird-Keeper!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
I'm going back to the start, to the career of my dreams, I am officially back in the Zoo community.
I will be a Bird-Keeper at Paradise Park in Hayle, here in beautiful Cornwall.

This is an opportunity that, quite frankly, I would be fucking stupid to give up and so, I am not giving it up. I am grasping it with both hands, feet, everything....this is my new life and I will most definitely be living it.
I will not be returning to London.
Life has handed me a gift on a plate and I am accepting graciously.

The best part - as a Bird Keeper I will feel, while doing my job, that John is with me all the time. He will be in my head telling me what I am doing wrong, what I am getting right and in my heart, making me feel wonderful.

I am excited.
I am very excited.
This is my future.
And there are birds....lots and lots of birds!!!!!!

Celebrating Johnnie!

For the record, John and I have the BEST friends and family in the world!!!!

Here they are - remembering the Man who made all of us sooooooo happy!!!!

Mark, Paul, Kay and Jim celebrating in South East London

Mark, Paul, Kay and Jim's lanterns over South East London

ZSL London Zoo celebrating the Ultimate Curator!

Mark and Aoife (Becks is brewed in Bremen!)

Flowers from Craig in Colorado!

Olivia enjoying a G&T

A candle from Abby

Richard and Sandra's lanterns 

John's eldest son Henry!!!! :-)

Paul, G&T and John's plaque at ZSL London Zoo

The Gang on Marazion Beach

Lawrence helps Ferdi (God Son) with his lantern

Andy and his son let their lanterns go

The ever gorgeous and wonderful Heather

Jo and Andy 'filling up'

Us

One Year On

And here we are, the 1st anniversary of John's untimely death has arrived.

I don't really have words to adequately convey how I feel today.

Instead, I will leave you with a video that a friend prepared when they heard of John's death.

Update Email - 16th May 2012

This morning I said goodbye to the Love of My Life. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

We will never, ever see him again which is something I can neither compute or come to terms with right now. 

I don't want to believe it. 

I don't want to acknowledge it. 

Why should I? We had such a wonderful life, we HAVE such a wonderful life, how can he be taken away? WHY has he been taken away?

The Boys, I worry so for the Boys. 

I've never really had a Father figure, so to know what it is like to lose one is an alien concept to me. They must be going through such pain, torment and complete sadness. I am, in my own mind, but a sorry substitute for the Mountain of Man that is my Husband, their Father. They know I am and always will be there for them. I also know that they are there for me. But I am not Him, I am not John, I am not the man that raised them into such proud, wonderful, truly talented young men. They are their Father's Sons. He is, always has been and will continue to be so very proud of them. There are huge elements of John in both of them, he will live on through them. This is of course a sort of comfort, but frankly I would just rather he lived. We all would.

So many people will be affected by his death in so many ways, I really don't know where to begin. John is a worldwide phenomenon, the past 4 weeks have proved this with messages of love and support coming from around the globe. Again, it is testament to the Man that he is that he is so very, very popular and loved so very much.

And so I wait. 

The Boys wait. 

We all wait. 

My heart is breaking and that phone call, the call that tells me he has gone, that he is dead, will be the final blow. 

My heart will be broken.

He will be dead and so too will my heart.

I am absolutely dreading living here on my own, if there was a spare room I would draft in some company. Its going to be lonely. Very lonely. Soul destroyingly lonely. 

On a practical note I probably won't be able to afford it anyway and so there will no doubt be yet another life change coming up in the near future. I lose my Husband closely followed by the home we made together......now that's a complete mind fuck!

I want to run away, to hide, to get away from everything and everyone that reminds me of John but I can't bear being away from him. Nothing else in my life matters anymore. However, I must be here for our dogs. I must look after those lovely little pups. I am glad we have them, I need them and their unconditional love and fluffy cuddles. The rest is inconsequential, it means nothing. 

The life, the essence, the zest, the effervescence and complete happiness that lived in this flat has gone, it has left, walked out the door. 

It's in Germany and it is dying.

There is so much to think about, so much to do, to change, to sort. Practical things will need doing, bills will need changing to my name, etc, etc. I will slowly but surely erase his name from our life and revert to just John McKenna, a widowed man, not John McEllis, a happy, VERY HAPPY man married to the bloody amazing, effervescently jovial, joyously incandescent Mr John Ellis!!!!!!! When we met and fell in love he promised me 40 years together, we had a blissful, truly happy and contented 9 years and 6 months of which 2 years and 9 months have been happily married. I will forever cherish the special time we had together. Forever.

Friends and Family, I thank you. 

I thank you for your love, support and thoughts. I am sure that I will need you all over the coming months. I want everyone around me but at the same time I don't want to see anyone, be near anyone, speak to or hear from anyone, but I am craving company. I want to be left alone but I want people to hug me, hold me and tell me it will be ok. 

But you/they can't. 

It won't be ok, it won't change a thing, he will still be gone and me, the Boys and all his friends will still be heartbroken.

I've attached a beautiful picture of the most wonderful Husband, my Husband. I thought you might like to remember him in much, MUCH happier times.

Update Email - 15th May 2012

Dear All,

Not ten minutes after sending out last night's update I received a call from the Critical Care Unit in Bremen.

They called to inform me that John had developed a 'huge' bleed on his brain and that there was extreme pressure. They had taken him for a CT scan and the consultants had consulted. They agreed that there was nothing that could be done for John, it was too serious, too much and (this is the worst bit!) John would not survive. They thought he might be brain dead.

Henry, James and myself flew in this morning and went to see Hubby. We were greeted by the ever lovely but crying Dr Loeschcke who sat with us and informed us of the situation we were facing. Basically, it is a one way street, there is no way out of this one. There is nothing that anyone can do, my Husband, the Boys' Dad is dying. We discussed John, his personality, his ideals and things such as his life support and ultimately organ donorship for which we gave the go ahead.

Tonight, John was assessed for any possible organ transplants. We went down afterwards to see him and we were informed that although his brain IS dying, he is not yet brain dead as he still has minimal perfusion and so no organ harvest can take place and his life support cannot be turned off.

It is with utter heart breaking sadness that I tell you that his brain IS dying. My wonderful Husband, the Love of My Life, Father to Henry and James, Mr John Arthur Ellis will not come out of this, he will not live. They are going to perform today's tests again on Thursday and we will see where we are. This will continue until his brain is officially dead.

We return to the UK in the morning. I have said my goodbyes, if I am honest I have sort of been saying them for almost 4 weeks now. I will not stay here and watch my Husband die, I don't consider that at all healthy and I don't want to. I will wait for him to come home. They give the impression that it's only a matter of days anyway.

I am so very sorry that some of you have had to 'hear' this via email but I don't have everyone's contact details and so cannot tell you properly. I am truly, truly sorry, this is a shit way to find out and I must apologise. I'm so so so sorry.

I will keep you informed as and when we hear.

In the meantime, please feel that you can contact me.....call, text, visits, whatever, just do....please.

Much love,

Me and my wonderful Ellis Boys

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