This is what I am.....unhappy.
I haven't been right for a few days, pretty much since one of my best friends returned to London, following his trip here at the weekend.
His arrival (and departure) reminded me of all that I left behind in the Big City.
My Friends.
My Life.
Our Friends.
Our Life.
Us.
While he was here we had brief conversations about me, about John.
He told me that I had posted some 'concerning' things in my blog.
That I am obviously depressed and, perhaps, I should consider speaking to someone.
Yes, I am depressed, I know this, but of course I shunned such a suggestion.
I don't want to speak to anyone.
I already know how I feel, why I feel how I feel, so why speak to someone to tell me what I already feel and know?!
But what must I do instead?
Sure, something has to give, but what, how, when?
In 2.5 months I will have been here in Cornwall for a year.....it feels like a very long year.
In that time I haven't really got much of a social life going on, there have been glimmers of one, but nothing I would personally call 'a social life', although it IS picking up.
I have had a very good job and I have left it.
I now have 3 part-time jobs and my ends are not meeting.
I am concerned about honouring my financial commitments.
I am considering trying to find a 'proper' job, to leave zoo keeping and return to an office.
If ends are not met then this is what I must do, common sense dictates it.....and for those of you that are thinking it, yes, it is what John would tell me to do!
But, even a 'good' job for me isn't really enough down here, wages are awful in Cornwall.
I've considered finding a smaller home, but, based upon my requirements (the dogs mostly!), this is the smallest place I could get that would allow dogs.....for some reason they're very dog UNfriendly for rental homes here!
And to cap it all off, I found an article on my home computer from 'At Home' magazine in which they interviewed John for their 'Real Life' section, all about work experience and it's benefits.
An article I had forgotten about.
I only found it because I was cleaning up the computer to download an update.
I. Am. Crushed.
I'm really rather unhappy and my mind is all over the place.
Once again I am wondering if I did the right thing coming here, moving 300 hundred miles away from the majority of my friends, leaving my life behind, leaving an excellent job (Britain's 2nd Best PA!!!) and a lovely home, leaving John behind.....
I DO feel like I've left him behind, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.
I am sad.
I am unhappy.
I am crying a lot again.
I am angry in a flash!
I am fed up feeling like this.
I want it all to stop!
I am missing John like fucking crazy.
I honestly don't know how to make me feel better.
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