Me, Myself & I

Before I met John I was a serial monogamist.

I'd go out with anyone that would have me, eager to be wanted, loved, needed.

Life out of a relationship was unthinkable, I couldn't possibly be ALONE!

And then, in the winter of 2002, I met Mr Ellis, The One.

I knew from the moment I met him that we would be boyfriends, that we would have a relationship, that we would be an 'Us'.

John knew it too.

We were meant to be, destined.

Even if I had known from that very first day that I would only have had a little under 10 years with him, I would have still pursued him (and I was the one that did nearly all the pursuing!!!!).

Times change, indeed my entire life has changed since John's death and, ultimately, I have changed.

Where I was once almost desperate for attention, love, any form of affection, I find myself no longer requiring it.

Why am I telling you this?! 

Well.......I've met a really nice man recently, a local man, a man that ticks a lot of boxes, we've had a few 'dates'.....but.....I don't want it.

It's not that I'm not ready, that it's too soon, that he's not John, (insert psycho babble here!), etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. 

It's purely and simply that I do not want a relationship, I don't want to get into that position, that situation, I can feel myself pushing it away, putting up walls and barriers. Drinks, dinner, meeting up for social activities is fine, but I do not want to be a boyfriend, yet.

I had a FaceTime chat with my gorgeous sister in law a couple of evenings ago and, among other things, I told her that I couldn't have a relationship because I didn't want 'ordinary' or 'normal'....thankfully, she understood completely what I meant.

My life with John was fucking extraordinary, John was extraordinary.....I was spoilt, spoilt rotten with the man and life that I had.

To follow that life, those experiences, those adventures, with something 'everyday normal' and 'ordinary' is, for me, unacceptable......I won't and can't do that.

For a man to come along and follow that is, for him and without knowing it, going to be extremely difficult.

I can't and won't compare any man to John but the stakes have been set, the bar is incredibly high and, as much as I am not comparing, I know what I had and I don't want anything less (maybe I am comparing, just a tad).

Any man is quite literally going to have to pull the rug from under my feet for me to even consider him.....and sadly, this chap I've met, as much as I like him, hasn't even tugged the rug (that sounds very wrong!!!!!).

I am aware that this chapter probably comes across as me, me, me and makes me sound very spoilt and selfish. I'm not and it isn't supposed to but this is the best way I can explain it.....

It's also very liberating saying "I don't want a relationship".....it feels freeing, like shedding a skin, I rather 'like' the feeling. 

For months after John died I felt like I urgently needed to find someone else, to fill the gaping void, to give me closeness again, some form of love and affection, but for once in my life, I want to be a Me, not an Us.

I think, for the foreseeable future (unless the fabled Rug Puller comes along), it's going to have to be just Me, Max and Moo......and a social life......no men, no complications, no emotional 'stuff'.....

Just Me, my perfect little Family and my lovely, loyal Friends.