2013.....done.

That's almost it folks, an entire year has just about come and gone.

I have been without John for a full January to December.

From 1st January 2014 I can no longer say or think that John died last year, it will be 'John died in 2012'.

4 and a half months to go and John will have been dead for 2 years.....TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!

In that time I have gone through so many emotions and feelings.

I have cried almost every single day.

I have missed him every day.

I have thought about him every day.

I have wanted him every day.

I have looked for him every day.

I have waited for him every day.

In the (almost) 12 months that I have been living in Cornwall, a couple of men have tried to enter my world.

I have, at first, let them cross the threshold.

But, after a very short while, I have banished them to the boundaries.

Why???

Simply because they're not John (which I am already aware is not very healthy!).

I look for John everywhere, in everything, in everyone.

I look for, search for, hope for a thread of John, something that 'feels' like John, but not once, not ever, not with anyone have I felt it.

How can I expect to move on when I keep holding on for him, when I keep looking for him, when I keep searching, hoping, needing, wanting?

Today, Monday 30th December 2013, I have cried most of the day.

I cried when I got up, walked the dogs, made a cup of tea and I sobbed like a girl when I took down the Christmas decorations.

I haven't stopped crying.

Today is not a good day.

Today is a fucking shit day.

Today I will cry and cry and cry.

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas 2013

Merry Christmas to you All.

Be sure to let those around you know that they are loved, that they are important to you, that you appreciate them. 

No matter how much or how little you do it, just make sure you do.

Life turns on a sixpence.

You never know when you might never, ever, ever be able to tell them or show them again.

Be kind, Be Gentle, Be Happy, Be Yourself

x

Happy Birthday to Me.....

I turned 44 yesterday.

Another birthday comes and goes without John here with me.

I started the day with the smell of him all over my bed sheets. 

The night before was the work Christmas Meal and I wore one of John's aftershaves. 

I woke up and immediately I could smell him, it was glorious and heart stopping and sad and happy and wonderful and gut wrenching all at the same time.

On the morning dog walk, prior to going to work, I had a damn good cry. 

I find our Birthdays, Christmas and our Anniversary the worst. 

John always found a reason to celebrate, indeed LIFE was for celebrating and this he did every single day of his much too short life, normally with a G&T or a dry white wine in his hand, but he celebrated!

I will always, always remember my 40th birthday more than any other - John was working in Nepal. 

So, being John, he bought me a ticket to Kathmandu to join him for a couple of weeks of adventures in Nepal, from tropical jungle to the Himalayas. 

It was fucking incredible....the most amazing adventure in a foreign country I have EVER had, EVER!
I remain, to this day, completely and utterly in love with Nepal.....a very special place indeed.

The rest of my birthday passed without much in the way of emotion, in fact, looking back on yesterday I think I was pretty 'chipper', apart from suffering with sciatica which I have had for a month now!

Yesterday was my second birthday without John and I have to admit, it did feel 'easier', still emotionally trying, especially in the morning, and he was in my mind and thoughts all day, but it felt 'ok'.

For the record, being 44, almost mid 40s and single and alone feels dreadful, it really does.
I hate it. 
I shouldn't be in this situation, John shouldn't be dead. 
We should be together, we should be happy, we should be living our wonderful, marvellous, full of love adventure, which is exactly what our marriage was, an adventure built on the foundations of true love.

.....and John made it the best adventure I've ever had.

It's Good To Talk

John died almost 19 months ago.

In that time many lovely friends and family members have advised me that I should speak to someone, a neutral party, bereavement counselling if you will.

I have constantly shunned it, refused to do it. 
It felt alien to me to talk to a complete stranger about my Grief, my Loss, my Bereavement.

After yesterday's blog video, I decided that something has got to give, I have to speak to someone. 
There are things in my head I cannot accept, deal with or understand and, hopefully, talking to a professional will help me get some sort of resolution or at least teach me how to deal with them.

So, today, I called Cruse Beareavement Care and they will be coming to see me in the near future, to listen to me, to guide me, to watch me sob and sob and sob probably!

They also run 'Friendship Groups' where you can go and meet others who have lost their partner - that seems a bit morbid to me but at least I can talk to neutral people who have gone through the same thing.

Since making the phone call to Cruse this morning , I have done nothing but cry......cry and cry and cry.

I am incredibly scared.

Petrified.

Doing this means that I am going to have to face EVERYTHING.....I will have to deal with all of it, in its entirety.

I will have to accept that John is dead.

I don't want to.

I DON'T.

I DON'T.

I DON'T.

But I Can't....