Update Email - 30th April 2012

Hello One and All,

Today has been a day of no change, nothing, nada, not a jot. I very nearly did not do an update tonight.

We had a chat with the Doctors this morning and they have told us that John now needs to start showing them, indicating to them what is or is not working. They cannot reliably diagnose any further until John 'does something' other than lie there and do nothing which he pretty much did today.....no movement, apart from a very rare hand grip, it really was very frustrating to have absolutely no feedback from him.

They have started to reduce the sedation and he really should be doing a little more than he is but he's just not......perhaps he will 'kick off' tomorrow seeing as Mag leaves in the morning and I will be alone all day.....he had better not because I will be the one pressing the button to raise his sedation, I can assure you!

Of course, the longer he is out of it, the more healing he is hopefully doing, BUT the longer he is out of it, the less anyone can find out, diagnose, treat, etc. It really is a double edged sword and alas Hubby's on the wrong side of the blade at the moment. Tomorrow is another day and we will see what it holds....

One funny thing happened today. Mag was with John this afternoon while I was dealing with some administration and I joined her there in critical care. As I always do when I enter his room, I leaned over the bed to give him a kiss. As I bent down to kiss him, he rose, as if to greet me and I have to say my world fell out of my a*se!!!! Mag could not talk for laughing and I think she may have wet herself. I had my hotel room key in my pocket which has a huge wooden fob on it. As I bent down to kiss him the fob pressed the bed controls and I unknowingly raised my Hubby's upper body.....I shan't be taking the key with me again, my heart cannot take it!

Now, about last night......you may have got the impression or think that I might have lost it/I am on the verge of losing it. 

Let me reassure you.....I'm not ( it happened years ago I can assure you of that!).

It was more a way of venting/voicing/mentally filing my feelings, thoughts and emotions.....yes, of course I'm extremely upset but I am far from done with my man and under no circumstances will I be finished here until he is home in the UK with me. 

He does indeed need me and here I will be because I also need him.

I am fine....honest :-)

Your love, kindness and support are hugely important to me, I just need to 'shout out' now and again, it won't happen often, I promise.

I'm now off to terrorise my sister in law for one final evening before she leaves for the UK (I cannot tell you how envious I am!!!!).

Tons and tons of love,

Me & my Hubby

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 29th April 2012

Good evening Family and Friends,

Tonight I shall commence with a serious bit I'm afraid and I am going to be painfully honest with you all.....these moments will not rear their head often but I hope this is in some way cathartic for me......I emailed the following thought to a friend earlier however I'm not ashamed to share!

I'm really struggling mentally.

Every morning I wake and I go through such dread and worry. I am having major homesickness, in fact it's Life Sickness, I miss our Life and wish every day that I could turn back time (and now I am channeling Cher!!!!). Each night I go to bed full of dread and worry for the next day and what it might hold....my stomach is in constant knots, I feel sick all the time, I really am not sleeping at all well. Its like a horror version of Groundhog Day!!!

I would give anything to have a hug with my Husband and my Dogs right now, anything.

There is the huge guilt I feel about our friends upping their lives and living in our home to look after our dogs and chickens for us.

Talking of chickens, the chicks are due to hatch next weekend. I'm worried about it but hopefully I have a solution. But I still worry.

There's the bills that might not have been paid in John's absence.

My employer is being very understanding (my Boss is wonderful!) but will I have a job to return to in the UK and will we have enough money??? I don't know how long I can stay here but on the other hand I am most definitely not leaving him here in Germany!

I just want him home in the UK - the language barrier is especially draining, we are all trying so hard to communicate but it is oh so difficult.

I feel such guilt about people giving up their lives to come and see John, be with me, etc, etc.

I have darker thoughts, thoughts about the damage to John's brain which scare the living bejesus out of me.

Will he know who he is?

Will he know me when he finally wakes?

Will he WANT me when he wakes?

If the stroke damage is severe how will he cope?

The thoughts and worry and dread and fear and anxiety and stress are endless, they really are. Each and every day I have to dig deeper to find the strength to walk down that bloody horrible corridor to the critical care unit and utter the words "Ich bin John Ellis's partner" and hope they let me in straight away - if they ask me to take a seat I worry that they're coming to tell me bad news, the worst news, that there's something else wrong, etc, etc. I worry ALL the time, literally all the time, my head is fit to exploding and I want it all to stop!

There are rare moments when I just want to run away because I simply cannot compute or digest it all. Then I have huge guilt for feeling that way which then upsets me, so I cry, then I get angry, depressed, it's a never ending circle!

But in comparison to what my man is going through these thoughts and fears, worry and anxiety are but a plop in the ocean which again makes me feel guilty and useless and pathetic.

Anyway, if I carry on I will just sit here and sob my heart out, a heart that is partially broken but must try to remain strong for the Love of My Life.

Today Mag and I assisted in washing him. He was rather hot this afternoon so we stripped his bed clothes off and gave him a wash with luke warm peppermint tea which smelt amazing and cooled his skin. Following this, we assisted with his proper face wash, teeth clean, etc, etc. It was a little upsetting when they turned him left or right because he is still unconscious predominantly and does not know what is going on, so his face will scrunch up and his pulse and blood pressure will rise very quickly which then panics me. However, we got through it.....not sure I will "help" wash him too often!!!

The good news today is that his right arm, which has not moved at all for some time, moved! So we now know he has the ability to move all four limbs. When I say movement, it means more of a large twitch than a full on swing of the arm, leg, etc but it's progress. He opens both eyes at the same time, although he doesn't actually see us yet, it's just eyelids opening. He can also move his head and partially open his mouth. 

I am off to bed now, to lie there all night, to worry about everything and hope that my man comes back to me soon.....because I really cannot tell you all just how much I am missing him.

Love from us both,

Him & Me 

xxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 28th April 2012

Greetings from Knackered-ville,

Today has been tiring. 

Very tiring. 

I'm not sure how much Adrenalin I have left in my body as I used an enormous amount today and I feel the need to crash...it's catching up with me I think.

John's lovely Sister arrived yesterday evening and I am so glad she was here today.......Johnnie has started to wake.

Now I know over the past week I have been longing and longing for him to wake up, however after today I have the overwhelming urge to put him back under sedation again! He's been 'kicking off' a couple of times, not literally you understand as he is still almost unconscious but you notice his blood pressure and pulse rise and you know things are going on.....it's draining to watch and experience and my own 'levels' have been going through the roof, as have his Sister's.....it's been quite a day!

We've had his left hand squeezing who ever is holding his hand, we've had a minor bit of leg movement in BOTH legs and his eyes have opened, not fully, but they've opened. Now, I say BOTH legs as they are worried that the damage he received to his brain (they're saying stroke) may have left him with one sided paralysis....but after today, we are not so sure now.....

We are also of the opinion that there is some recognition going on, we're not entirely positive (you can't really be sure at this early stage) but when we were talking to him and asking him to squeeze our hand, he seemed to do it, not straight away but it happened. Yes, I am probably grasping at straws but I need to. I need my Husband back so any positive I can find I will.

I also kissed him on his lips today and he turned his head away.....not quite sure what to make of that but at least he moved his head....

The worst part of today was when I tried to kill him......I was manoeuvring myself to give him a kiss and my hand knocked the ventilator that is inserted into his Tracheotomy and it FELL OUT! Well.....I don't know about Johnnie nearly dying, I nearly did.....and as for his Sister, she just stood there laughing uncontrollably at me and nearly wet herself! It was not funny for me, my world nearly fell out of my trousers. You'll be pleased to know that I inserted the ventilator as quickly as possible and I don't think he noticed....unless that's why he turned away when I tried to kiss him...?!?!?!?!

Tomorrow we are going to commence music therapy - the Dr thought it a good idea for us to plug him into his favourite music on his iPod as it may help him to come round....she obviously isn't aware of his dodgy taste in music!

That's about it for today Kids, we are both shattered and I really need to slide into bed and just try to relax.....it's been a very fraught, tense week and it's not about to let up yet!!! 

Maybe tonight will be the night I sleep....maybe.

Guten Nacht mein Liebchen.

John und Johnnie xxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 27th April 2012

Good evening Ellis Army,

Well....how 7 days flies when you're stressed, anxious, scared and fearing the loss of your Husband!!! 

Today was my first day alone since this started and for the most part it has not been as lonely or difficult as I thought it might be. Yes, I am missing the Zoo Boys, Adrian and Mark and still wish they were with me here but I have John's sister arriving tonight so I am not alone for long.

Johnnie has had a good day today. The tracheotomy went ahead and was successful and he now has absolutely NO pipes or tubes in his mouth or throat. I am so relieved that it has been done. He was really struggling with the ventilator but now they can bring him out of the coma and we can begin to assess the level of brain damage that has occurred.....now THAT'S scary!!!! The Doctor used the words "now we can see how he copes with the stroke".....let's hope he copes well....

The BEST part of the day was being able to give the man I love, the love of my life, a kiss on the lips.....it has been too long since I could do that and I don't mind telling you that it felt good.....REALLY GOOD! Admittedly I am riding on a little wave of joy and happiness just because he looks better without the ventilator and I got to kiss him but I hope he felt it, I like to think that he did.

As with yesterday, he hasn't really moved today but they tell me that this is normal behaviour and not to expect too much too soon - he probably thinks he should be running before he can walk seeing as he has his trainers on....OMG, I kissed a man wearing his trainers in bed....!

The small thrombosis is still being compressed and I imagine it might well be there for a while.

I'd like to thank you all for your messages of love, support and admiration for my Hubby....(and me). They have all been saved and will be cherished forever. Many of you have offered visiting duties, care of dogs/chickens, loans, etc, etc.....from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.....you're the best and we both truly appreciate your kindness, generosity and love. We would do exactly the same for you.

I am signing off now and as its Friday night I am having a beer in preparation of my sister in law's arrival.

Night night from us both,

John xxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 26th April 2012

Hello Everyone,

It has been something of a quiet day today in "Johnnie World" when you consider the events of the past week!!!!!

The good news from last night's update is that he hasn't needed to go back on dialysis. I know that it's not a huge 'deal' to be on it and people can be on it for years and years but it's good that he's not needed to. He also had the second contrast today and he's still not on dialysis so his kidneys are indeed holding their own. On the second contrast they have found that his left arm is bigger than his right, something about circulation/perfusion again.

He has also developed a thrombosis under his left armpit and tonight they wrapped his entire arm in a bandage as a compress. I have been assured that it is a very small thrombosis and not a huge cause for concern.....in my mind ALL of him is a huge cause for concern!

He continues to wear his new trainers for an hour or so at a time 3 or 4 times a day to combat the foot drop - it looks very wrong to be lying in bed with size 13 trainers sticking out the bottom but if it helps him gets better I don't care.

I had to endure a number of telephone calls/emails with John's insurance company today as there were a few breakdowns in communication and at one point I was on conference call with London, Frankfurt and here in Bremen, all of us speaking pigeon English/German and me getting more and more irate with the entire conversation. However, it all came out in the wash and I hope it's now sorted. There's enough to worry about methinks.

He hasn't moved much today, he's been mostly unconscious...there has been the odd screwing up of his eye and the left leg has been moving but nothing like the other day.

Tomorrow he will probably be having a tracheotomy. Now that he is coming out of the sedation he is beginning to struggle with the ventilator and we all think that the Trach is the best way forward for him. Would you like to come out of sedation with pipes and such in your throat? He's not going to know who he is, where he is or who we are so anything that can be done to make his wake up that much more comfortable will be done.

The Zoo Boys, Adrian and Mark return to London tomorrow - a very depressing thought and I am delaying going to bed because I don't want to wake up and say goodbye. They have been such a HUGE support to me and Johnnie and I will really miss them being with us each and every moment. However, they too have partners and lives......I just hope they can return soon.

John's sister Christine returns tomorrow night for a coupe of days so I will not be without company over the weekend when it is rather quiet here in the German countryside.

That's it really, there's not much of an update today. It's hard to believe/comprehend that this all started exactly one week ago today......I feel like I have been here months and months.

Please continue to keep in contact with me, it really does help and makes me feel that little bit less 'fragile' and helpless.

Much love to all,

John & Johnnie xxxxx

Update Email - 25th April 2012

Evening Greetings to the Johnnie Ellis Army from HQ in deepest Germany.

It has not been a great day today, it has to be said. 

It started ok, with Mr Ellis moving his left leg, althought his nurse Tania thought it may have been connected with him experiencing some pain in the leg.

After my initial Good Morning to my Hubby I was greeted with "Mr McKenna, we think you should go". A long winded pigeon english/German conversation took place and what they wanted me to do was go and have a bit of time out, away from the hospital for a few hours. They made sure that I had a project while I was out as they asked me to buy Johnnie some trainers to wear as he is now getting 'foot drop' and his feet urgently need some sort of support. I'm now allowed to wash him and so I added some lovely shower gel to the list and off I went to Bremen City, not a pretty place at all!

While I was there I went into the big cathedral that looms over the square. I am not a man of Faith, I have never been and I doubt ever will be, however my Man needs all the help he can get right now, so in I went and tried to connect with every known deity I could possibly think of. I lit a candle and spent pounds rather than the advised pence being of the opinion that my added generosity would get Johnnie ahead in the queue and one or more of the 'Almighty Beings' would recognise my giving a bit extra and answer my prayers, or so I hoped.

While I was out Johnnie was taken upstairs to Radiology for a contrast and a CT scan of his brain. His kidneys are so impaired that he cannot cope with an entire body contrast and so only his bottom half was done today. They have confirmed that he does have perfusion in his legs and they are no longer a major issue. Yes they are still an issue but not a major one, there are major-er things to worry about! He will probably have the top half contrast done tomorrow. His kidneys will most definitely be affected and so he will also probably need to go back on dialysis but as we all know, dialysis is not a worry.

So....the CT scan.

This bit gets decidedly uncomfortable for me. 

My one HUGE dread was brain damage.

The CT scan has confirmed that John does have brain damage. He has two small areas on one side of his brain and a larger area on the other side which have been damaged in the second operation last Friday night.

Thinking positively, as we must, we cannot begin to quantify how this damage will affect him. Only once he is awake and functioning will we know. He may well have stroke symptoms and be a little slow, maybe a little paralysis, loss of speech, etc, etc, etc, we just do not know. Yes, we have been told he most probably has brain damage we just don't know how much or how it will affect him.

I had a mini meltdown today, I'm not ashamed to say. Why him, why Johnnie, the most life-loving, effervescent, bubbly, happy man I have ever known in my entire life. WHY??????? It's not f*cking fair and I absolutely seriously f*cking hate this with every molecule of my being. Just when I think I am all out of crying and being upset I get some more news or information that sets me off. I'm going through so many emotions on a daily basis my body doesn't know whether to crash or slap myself in the face. I miss him, I really, REALLY, REALLY miss him and I can't cuddle him or hold him, there's no two way conversations taking place and I admit that today, after the CT news, I just lost it.

This is now a Call to Arms.......I implore you, members of the Johnnie Army, to please, please, please, PLEASE send all your positive thoughts, love and life-giving energy to him, I cannot tell you how much he needs it. He is doing so very well on his own, I am so proud of how much he has already achieved.....and I cannot believe that this all started a week ago, it feels like I have been here for months!

The Zoo Boys have been incredible, especially today - I can recommend a hug from Adrian, not quite in the Husband League but a dam good second place! As for 'Habbers', he has been strong and constant, ready to give support at a moment's notice - they are true Stars! I am only disappointed that they must leave on Friday, I will seriously miss them, their support and their hugs. I hope they can come back to Johnnie very, VERY soon. I think them being here has also helped Johnnie as they have been visiting him and speaking to him, holding his hands and generally being bloody Top Men!! Ellis would be proud!

It's almost midnight here so I am going to try and get some rest.

I know that these updates are also helping you to know what is going on here, as well as helping me in a cathartic sort of way. There may be the odd day when I don't update - there may not be anything to update, I might not be in the mood, it may be too uncomfortable, etc, etc so please (without taking offence) don't think I am going to do this every single day.....I might do, but then I might not (and if I don't, please don't panic and think that there is something wrong and start phoning and texting......please).

I will leave you all with a picture of the candle that I lit for the most wonderful Husband in the World....MY Husband.....did you know he's amazing?! :-)

Night night

John & Johnnie 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Update Email - 24th April 2012

Hello One and All,

I tell you, the address list is becoming like War & Peace however I feel like we are gathering an Army behind my Hubby and we are bringing our collective forces together in preparation for the battle ahead.....a battle He will surely win (he has no choice in the matter actually!!!).

Today has been another eventful day, he's not one for a quiet recovery is my Man.

Today, 24th April 2012, Mr John Ellis properly started to wake up. However, to put it in perspective, this process could be hours it could be days, it's all up to Him. Johnnie needs to show and tell now as it were and the doctors are constantly monitoring his progress.

We've had movement in his legs which are still causing some worry as his feet are blue ish and not moving much, movement in his arms (I swear he tried to elbow the nurse who put a pipe in his throat), hands, eyes (still beautiful and blue and make me melt) and there was a yawn (perhaps my boring conversation did that, I am as yet unsure!!!!). It was MINOR movement, he wasn't flailing around like a caught trout, it was little twitches and such, but for him it was MAJOR and for me it was AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC! I have to say that I was particularly over-excited and I am now dealing with an adrenalin 'comedown' and feel the need for a lie down. In fact I got chucked out as they need to tend to Johnnie and the other patients for a couple of hours, washing, etc so it works well that I can come back to the room and speak to you all...

The one thing that I keep hearing from the surgeons, the nurses, anaesthetists, etc is how astonished they are by Johnnie's recovery. There are many, many things that are worrying and the future is just full of speculation both good and bad, however for someone that has gone through not one but TWO major heart/lung bypasses (in the same 24 hours no less!!!!) he really shouldn't be as positive as he is. Every time they tell me how amazed they are I just feel so incredibly proud of him but then do you really think that he would have it any other way???? I don't think so.

A funny story - he was "waking up" earlier and his blood pressure was going through the roof (the one thing that put him in this situation) so they gave him intravenous drugs to battle the rising blood pressure....to no effect. So they gave more....to no effect (at this point I was almost hysterical!). So they put a pill under his tongue....only then did it start coming down. The nurse looked at me and told me that she thought he was immune to the drugs and started laughing......more like he was enjoying the hard core drugs and having a rave!

It is 4:20pm here and I am counting the minutes until I can see him again (I have been "banned" until 6) so I am going to enjoy some sunshine and watch the ducks on the pond for a bit.

I will leave you with the following link - its my song for my Man (the lyrics are just perfect for right now) and I am listening to it on repeat.....it keeps me going and makes me think wonderful things about my wonderful Man, because that's what he is, bloody WONDERFUL!!!!!

http://soundcloud.com/renharvieu/through-the-night

Enjoy the song.

Love and hugs from us both,

Me & Johnnie xxxxx

Update Email - 23rd April 2012

Hello Everyone,

Firstly, a big BIG thank you to you all for the continued love and support for my wonderful Hubby, he is receiving all your messages via his PA (me!) and he is feeling very loved indeed.....as am I.....your support for me has also been incredible....our friends and family are the best!

So, Day 4 in the Big Johnnie House......it has been a positive day for John however in the grand scheme of things, we're in the Pacific Ocean and we have achieved a grain of sand, but it's still an achievement. 

My previous update below mentioned the requirement for dialysis following the issues that he had with his kidneys, well *drum roll* today at 7am he come OFF the dialysis machine and his kidneys are now functioning on their own. They are not by any means working perfectly and are nowhere near 100% but they are working and they are doing it on their own, so a first step has been taken, and it's a bloody good one!

Another first today is that John has started having 'food'. He is receiving intravenous protein and he seems to be dealing with it ok. 

Perfusion in John's arms and legs remains an issue (please google for explanations) and I was told earlier that this morning his hands were a little blue, but they are watching and monitoring and testing and poking and prodding him evey minute of every day.

John's ventilation has been reduced which means that to some minimal extent he is partly breathing on his own, but it is minimal, VERY minimal.

Sedation has already been MINIMALLY reduced in order for them to start bringing him out of the drug induced coma. This will happen over a long period of time, he won't just wake up and be alert, this is going to take a while. One step too far, particularly with high blood pressure and it could kill him and I cannot stress that enough, he is critical. He is not out of the woods, far from it. Let's not forget that just waking him up will alert the FANTASTIC Critical Care Unit staff to any other issues, including the neurological ones that I am particularly scared of......brain damage is the one thing I am dreading but they must prepare us for the worst, however we are all (as are you) hoping for the best. Only time will tell, and he has the rest of his life to get better and this is my one and only goal in life now, everything else takes second place to my Husband.....

The family have been a huge comfort to me. Our Sons, Henry and James have been strong, capable young men in the face of such adversity, and us Dads could not be prouder of them, they are truly Ellis Boys and I count myself very lucky in life to have two such amazing Sons. Sister in Law Christine has also been to visit John and she has been my 'family rock' over the last few days, dealing with me sobbing, worrying, etc, etc......she is a diamond.

Talking of amazing men, the Zoo Boys, Adrian and Mark are still looking after me and I really don't know how to even begin to thank them, but thank them I will one day......the zoo will maintain a presence with me for a while.

International SOS are in contact with me on a daily basis to make sure I am not worrying, that I have accommodation, that I am being updated on John's condition, that I am eating, sleeping, etc. 

That's all for today folks, please feel free to email me and I will respond to you as and when I am not with His Lordship.....it's nice to hear from people at home and it makes me feel less lonely and isolated when I'm going through a 'moment', as I did at 3am this morning waking up convinced that John had sent me a text and when I looked at my phone he most definitely had not, so I walked to the CCU and gave him a hug and a kiss and had a little chat. I don't know who was more surprised I was there at 3am, the staff or me....!

Talking of chatting to John, everyone who comes in has a good chin wag with him, he is obviously unconscious and cannot talk back, but we tell him lovely, positive things in the hope he can hear us. The CCU staff have even started talking to him in pigeon German/English each morning before I arrive which I think is marvellous!!!

Much love from me and my amazingly brave Husband.

John & Johnnie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The First Update Email - 22nd April 2012

Dear All,

Please forgive the blanket email but its quicker and easier if I "do you all in one go" as it were.

I hope all is well in the UK and the weather has improved, it's raining here now!

I've been to see my wonderful Husband this morning and I have had a discussion with the surgeon that operated on him. They will not start to bring him out of the drug induced coma today, he's stable but still extremely critical and he needs longer to do some more healing and for them to assess the possible issues that he may face when he does start waking. Currently he is on a dialysis machine which started yesterday as his kidneys are not functioning fully on their own. His blood oxygen was a worry but it 'seems' to be righting itself. The legs are improving and he now has perfusion in his legs which is a HUGE relief. They are extremely worried about his neuro state as they are worried about possible brain/spinal function damage which may have occurred during the second operation. Only once he starts waking will they/we know if this is the case and something else to worry about...as if there's not enough already!

There are so many speculative if's, buts or maybe's right now however it's hour by hour, day by day and I have to keep telling myself that!!!!!!

John's sister and our Sons are here which is a comfort, we're all talking to him and I hope he can hear us all. I am also being very well looked after by two of John's colleagues and friends, Mr Habben and Mr Walls - they have been legendary in making sure I am ok and that I have nothing to worry about, they are two wonderful people and Mr Ellis would be incredibly proud of them both.

I am in contact with the International SOS people for John's foreign insurance cover and that all seems to be going ok, I have signed the next of kin for them to start talking directly with the surgeons here. I have mentioned the possibility of getting him to the Lister where i work so at least they have that to consider - it would be ideal but i will wait and see what they say.

They have said he is going to be here some time so long term I have no idea what to do which scares me, I am concerned about John and I want to be here with him, but there's my job, bills, money, our home, our animals, etc, etc, however as I said above its an hour by hour, day by day job right now and that is all I can do. But I am worrying about everything, I can't help it.

I will keep you updated as regularly as possible.

Lots and lots of love from me and my fantastic Husband.....rest assured he is getting tons and tons of love and I am passing on everyone's wishes, love and support, he would be truly humbled by the response. I am grateful for you all, your love and support keeps me going....it's hard, I haven't stopped crying, I cant remember when I last slept but here for him I am and will be....the Love of my Life comes first!

Feel free to email me as and when and if there's an update I will let you know accordingly. I am happy for you to update to anyone who you feel NEEDS to know about John, all I ask is that it doesn't go on Facebook, I just don't think it would be appropriate and neither John or myself would be in the least bit pleased. When he's up and running, you can tease him to your heart's content, but let's get him there first....... :-)

John xxx

20th April 2012

After a sleepless night, I was collected by the cab at 4am ish and whisked off to Gatwick for my EasyJet flight. In my 'state' the previous evening I didn't properly check the nearest airport and so I flew to Hamburg (when I got to Bremen I found there was an airport not 3 or 4 miles from the hospital!).

The flight was horrendous. It was the first flight out of Gatwick to Hamburg, it was a Friday and it was full to the brim with Stag parties, absolutely heaving. I was surrounded by hundreds of men, all of them in a state of expectant excitement of the weekend to come, all of them ordering beers, all of them loud and cheery.

I cannot tell you how much I just wanted to get to Germany so I could get off that damn plane!

I was greeted at Hamburg Airport by the lovely Adrian, one of John's senior keepers who was (luckily!) also on the conference and Luud, a zoo colleague from Walsrode Bird Park who had volunteered as official 'driver' and was scurrying around Germany to pick me up, drive me to the hospital and basically be a jolly fine man! The drive to the hospital took about an hour or so, it was a beautiful spring day and so I sat there and got the low down from Adrian on John's condition.

When we arrived at the hospital we went straight to the Critical Care Unit (CCU). Luud kindly translated and, after introductions, we were taken in to see John.

Can your world fall out of your arse twice? Mine did.

I don't know what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting what I got.

John, in a hospital bed, smothered in blankets, hooked up to monitors, drips, pipes, tubes, beeping, surrounded by nurses, unconscious.

One of the first things I noticed was a big bucket of blood on the floor at the foot of his bed with a pipe leading under the covers to John.

I enquired as to it's purpose.

The previous night's heart and lung bypass operation to repair the rupture had not gone to plan. 

John had developed a bleed. 

He was losing blood.

They couldn't determine where the blood was coming from.

It was decided, due to the amount of blood being lost, they would return John to theatre that night.

He would undergo a second heart and lung bypass.

They would try to stop the bleeding.

I called the Boys and told them they should get to Germany to see their Dad as soon as possible.

They arrived the following day with John's sister, Mag (she would become my rock in Germany!).

Later that day, another wonderful colleague of John's, the lovely Mark, joined Adrian and myself in Bremen.

Luckily, there was a hotel in the hospital complex (German efficiency!) and we all checked in there - little did I know I'd be there in various rooms for almost a month!

After dinner that evening Adrian, Mark and myself went out for a walk, pacing, agitated, waiting for John's operation to be over so that we could get some news.

I remember, at the very time John was in theatre there was an amazing storm, loud crashing, thunderous. 

An owl flew directly over our heads low enough to almost touch.

Signs perhaps?

We didn't know it yet, but Nature was telling us that things were most definitely not going to plan.

We were called down to the CCU late that night to be informed that the operation had not gone well.

One of my enduring memories is of Mark sitting their waiting for the Consultant to explain. 

Because of the language barrier it took some time for him to tell us and all I could see was Mark getting more and more restless, willing the consultant to spit it out.

Firstly, during the operation, the flesh surrounding John's repaired rupture had torn but what followed next none of us expected.

During the second operation, John had suffered a stroke.

There was damage on both sides of his brain.

We didn't know it but he would be dead within the month.

19th April 2012

Having had a bit of a horrendous cycle home in torrential rain, I entered Devonshire Road on 19th April 2012 at approximately 6pm, dripping wet, dragging my bicycle behind me and trying to peel off two dogs who were extremely eager to see me.

The house phone was ringing when I opened the front door of the flat, but due to my dripping state, I let it go to voicemail.

It was when I heard John's PA, Jackie's frantic, urgent voice that I dropped everything, my bike, my clothes, the dogs, everything, and I ran to the phone.

"John has been taken ill, he's been helicoptered to Bremen, it's serious, you need to be with him in Germany".

My world fell out of my arse.

From that moment on, our old life, our life together was over, it was never, ever going to be how it was, ever again.

Not 15 minutes after I spoke to Jackie, the phone rang again.

I didn't think twice, I answered it immediately.

It was Dr. Gemsa, a member of the Critical Care Team in Bremen. 

Dr. Gemsa would become, in my eyes, an absolute Angel.

"Mr. McKenna, you need to speak to your Husband, he's going into Theatre now."

John was already going under the anaesthetic and all I got was a garbled, wobbly "honey" (he called me Honey more often than not).

I blurted out "I Love You"....these are the last words that I know he heard me say....such strong emotive words, yet at the time, so useless and small and ineffective. I hope he found some kind of strength from them, I'll never know. 

Almost immediately Dr. Gemsa came back on the line and told me that they had to go but that I should get there as soon as I could.

John had suffered an Aortic Dissection and needed urgent surgery to repair the rupture. The excellent team in Bremen performed the first heart and lung bypass that night.

While John was having emergency surgery in Germany I spent the entire night in the UK, into the early hours, calling friends and family, trying to find a flight, arrange dog and chicken sitters, inform my Boss that I wasn't going to work in the morning, organise our lives in the UK, speak to John's colleagues in Germany, and worrying.....lots and lots of worrying!

And that was it, "our life together" was over.

We would never speak to each other again.

We would never cuddle again.

We would never kiss again.
We would never talk to each other again.

We would never walk the dogs again.

We would never go to the allotment again.

We would never go on holiday again.

He would never return to our home.

We would never be together again.

We would never be again.

"We" as we knew it, were over.

Marking the 1st Anniversary.....

I've been thinking about how I can mark the 1st anniversary of John's death and I have decided that I am going to be on Marazion Beach, at dusk, on 17th May 2013. 

If you'd like to join me on Marazion Beach that would be fucking amazing!!!!!!

I am going to do this every year but for the 1st anniversary I'd like as many people as possible involved.

I shall have an eco-friendly bamboo chinese lantern on which there will be a message to my  gorgeous, handsome, wonderful, much missed, always loved, Hubby.

I will light it, release it, sob rather a lot and then return home to consume vast quantities of alcohol!

I am going to video it (the lantern, not me sobbing or getting hammered!!!!) and then upload it to this blog.

I would really, Really, REALLY like it if any friends/family reading this blog around the world would do the same and then email me the video or pictures that have been taken and I will add them to this blog.

I want to 'Light Up The World'......John lit up the lives of many, many people and I think it would be quite fitting to try and do the same for him in death as he did for us in life.

This picture was taken a year ago today, 17th April 2012 - the last picture ever taken of John at home...

Remembering.....

Today is 12th April 2013.

A week today, 19th April 2013, will be the first anniversary of John falling ill.

While I was in Germany I sent out a daily 'update' email to approximately 80 people, it was then subsequently forwarded on around the globe to all those who knew John, were worried about John, wanted to be kept informed of John and his progress.

I flew out to join John on Friday 20th April 2012.

My first update went out on 22nd April 2012.

So.....on 22nd April 2013 and every day until the anniversary of John's untimely death, I will publish here on the blog every update email I sent out on the anniversary date to which it relates.

Why?

Because I don't want John forgotten.

Because I want people to know how hard John fought for his life.

Because I want people to remember John.

Because I want people to know exactly what happened to John.

Because I need to do this.

Because.

Because.

BECAUSE!

(If ever a wonderful Wiz there was!)

Just The Two Of Us

Yesterday, as I now do nearly every Sunday afternoon, I took the dogs for their 4 mile walk to Perranuthnoe and back. 

It gives all 3 of us some decent exercise and it blows away the cobwebs - especially if it's windy as it usually is at this time of year!

Yesterday, we passed these two men, sitting there on the bench, in the wind, watching the world (and us) go by. 

In my previous life this would have been John and me. 

Watching the seabirds, spotting seals, taking in the fresh air, plotting world domination.

Yesterday, I caught my breath and had a little cry. 

It was like looking at my old life and then walking straight past and leaving it behind. 

It took me by surprise. 

For a moment, I felt sad and longed for my old life.

I was very jealous of those two men, sat there side by side, together.

Yesterday, I remembered my old life with John.....and I will never, ever forget it.